Hi I’m new to this site, and have found it very theraputic for the thoughts that have been reeling through my head lately, and have been no stranger throughout my life. Its oddly refreshing to know there are people out there like me, and not only that, that there are platforms in which I can speak openly without fear of once again being institutionalized with no improvement. So I just wanted to give my story and ask you guys if you think I have a good chance/quality of improving my life, or…well the opposite I guess.
First off I’m 26. A mother to one child. My official diagnosis is bipolar 1 with psychotic features, ADHD, and anxiety after many hospitalizations, suicide attempts, and misdiagnoses. I’ve been diagnosed for 5 years and am fairly certain I also have PTSD as an abuse/rape survivor. I’ve never been able to maintain stable employment due to this and a myraid of other health issues. I have a disability case coming up but I doubt I’ll actually win, due to lapses in treatment. I want to go to treatment, but on and off homelessness and not being able to afford copays has significantly impacted my ability. I also have chronic pain, and was addicted heroin for a long time, but have been clean for 3 years now. My addiction started with pain meds, typical cliche.
My son is safe, in the custody of my ex due to me not having stable housing right now. I’m staying with my boyfriend temporarily who lives an hour away because my sons father and my bf didnt want to see me in a shelter. So it was agreed he would take temporary custody while I get on my feet. I miss my boy so much. I see him weekly but still the hole in my heart is so bad. The worst part is he’s doing well without me around as much. And I wonder if I just dissapeared now while he is young, if maybe it would be better on him. I love my son so much but I dont think I’m a good mother. I can’t provide what he truly needs and I try my best but, I know I lack so much.
My boyfriend is really nice to me but I don’t think he truly understands and not only that but I noticed the added stress of my issues in his life is causing him significant stress. I’m not 100% certain but I think he is growing apart from me. I don’t blame him. I feel so guilty that my existence alone makes things harder on him. The added cost of me being here, the constant flip flops on my part, having to hear about my issues all the time. I just….I feel like I’m unintentionally sucking the life out of him. I try to be a good girlfriend. We never argue. But I can tell. I can feel the weight on his shoulders. I love him so much. I don’t want to be that weight.
Ive grown more paranoid over the past few months. I suffer from psychosis in and out. I’m unaware of it at the time, but when I come back I am mortified at my delusional thought processes and embarassed. The other night I convinced myself I was being stalked, cut my hair which I never ever could have began to thought I’d do because I’m so attached to it, and cried to the point I vomitted. I just got out of the hospital for a nervous breakdown, my heart stuck at 180bpm for hours. Ativan helped the heart rate but flung me into hallucinations of all things. You’d think it would do the opposite. I don’t know if I’m having a mixed episode or just a depressive swing but it’s torture. My mania is my saving grace but I havent seen it in awhile. And mania brings other problems. My credit card is maxed. Bank accounts empty. I make rash decisions. Other than that I have nightmares every night from my past abuse and sometimes (like tonight) don’t want to sleep. I faint sometimes which is undiagnosed, and was fired from my last job for it. My memory and cognition is abnormally slow. I am well spoken and worded so many people don’t take it seriously. But learning is extremely difficult. Remembering near impossible. Feels like my head is screaming all of the time. My spirit is quite literally exhausted and hollow. The only thought keeping me here is the people who love me, but as I said earlier, they seem better off if I just exited.
My family and friend support is pretty much non-existent. Most of my family are abusers, or simply doesn’t want me around.
I just don’t see an option, any light for me. I just want to not be this horrible darkness in other peoples lives anymore. I just wonder if I should choose to end it peacefully, on my own terms, at a time where I know it would be less painful for others, or wait to see if it gets better. If I dont find a place to go by april I’ll be on the street anyway. Maybe I should wait until then to make such a permanent decision.
Anyways. Weigh in however you’d like.