Alone and lost
November 22nd, 2018 by Black Holez
Does anyone here spend most of the time indoors and only going out when necessary? It’s been weeks since I’ve gotten out of the house and I’m losing my mind already. I haven’t had social contact aside from my girlfriend and sad thing is we only see each other hours at best because she has classes to attend to. My routine consists of moping in bed, waking up, doing nothing and then seeing my girlfriend every time her classes are up which is in the wee hours of the afternoon. My life is trash and honestly, it wouldn’t make a difference if I died today. I wouldn’t even be surprised if no one came to my funeral.
It also doesn’t help I don’t have a job so I really have nothing to do in my house aside from either staring in front of my computer screen or just laying in bed. This is my daily routine and it’s more than 8 hours a day. Imagine doing this for every single day of your existence of doing nothing but just staring in front of the computer, sitting around and moping in bed. I’m already in my 30s and I can’t imagine doing the same thing over and over again for 30 more years. I’d rather die than go through this for another 30 years of my miserable existence. It’s either I off myself or go to a monastery and spend all my remaining days there for the rest of my life. I’m already a shut-in anyway so why not shut myself out in the real world? At least I will have something to do in a monastery rather than doing nothing inside the house but mope around and be a leper all day.
I’ve really lost it all. I lost my friends, I lost my job, family doesn’t give a damn about me and all I have are my negative feelings and thoughts which bother my mind. I’ve got no one to talk to about my problems aside from my girlfriend. Even then, I don’t want to burden her too much with my problems. Seems everything I touch goes down the drain. Now all I have are feelings of despair, hopelessness and helplessness that I’m starting to have suicidal ideations. Anyone in the same boat? How do you guys cope up in such a hell and nightmare? I want to go outside and socialize, I really do but I have no one to turn to in my state. I have no social support and help in my situation aside from the woman in my life who still hasn’t abandoned me after all this time. It’s a miracle she’s still with me after all the failures I’ve been through. To have someone who deeply cares no matter where you are now is a miracle in this day and age, but even then I don’t know how this will last.
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Nov 22, 2018 @ 17:24:15
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Nov 22, 2018 @ 20:53:40
“I’m the girl nobody knows until she commits suicide. Then suddenly everyone had a class with her. ” from “Party” by Tom Leveen, American Author
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Nov 23, 2018 @ 00:08:58
I don’t know what to do about potentially 30 more years of misery. For me it could be 60 because I quit smoking and my family lives a long time.
I do visualization alot, where I take something abstract like a day that I have to get through and put it into a little film clip in my head. Days like today I imagine a trashcan and throwing the day into the can. Swish, one less shit day that I have to live through.
It’s all perspective and adapt, cope as best can. If I get outside of the day I’m in, my little temporal prison cell, and see the size of the potential prison, I get antsy. But from the perspective of today my problems are reasonable size. Sometimes the problems are still huge on the day perspective and I shrink down to hour, or minute. Within the moment of a minute surviving that minute is endurable. Do that 60 times and it is a survivable hour. Do an hour 24 times that’s a day. Do a day 365 times and that is a year, do a year over and over until something makes you stop.
What works is all that matters. I burn hot through my anger and frustration until I have nothing left but the uncomfortable facts, then I try to do the best I damn can with them.
The trick to living sick is to learn to operate the controls in a sick brain. That is the challenge, and it is achievable.
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Nov 23, 2018 @ 17:27:47
Um. Why are people trying to stop me from accomplishing my life goal? I’ve been planning this since 12 years old. Do they think they own me? They don’t even know me.
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