Alone and lost

  November 22nd, 2018 by Black Holez

Does anyone here spend most of the time indoors and only going out when necessary? It’s been weeks since I’ve gotten out of the house and I’m losing my mind already. I haven’t had social contact aside from my girlfriend and sad thing is we only see each other hours at best because she has classes to attend to. My routine consists of moping in bed, waking up, doing nothing and then seeing my girlfriend every time her classes are up which is in the wee hours of the afternoon. My life is trash and honestly, it wouldn’t make a difference if I died today. I wouldn’t even be surprised if no one came to my funeral.

It also doesn’t help I don’t have a job so I really have nothing to do in my house aside from either staring in front of my computer screen or just laying in bed. This is my daily routine and it’s more than 8 hours a day. Imagine doing this for every single day of your existence of doing nothing but just staring in front of the computer, sitting around and moping in bed. I’m already in my 30s and I can’t imagine doing the same thing over and over again for 30 more years. I’d rather die than go through this for another 30 years of my miserable existence. It’s either I off myself or go to a monastery and spend all my remaining days there for the rest of my life. I’m already a shut-in anyway so why not shut myself out in the real world? At least I will have something to do in a monastery rather than doing nothing inside the house but mope around and be a leper all day.

I’ve really lost it all. I lost my friends, I lost my job, family doesn’t give a damn about me and all I have are my negative feelings and thoughts which bother my mind. I’ve got no one to talk to about my problems aside from my girlfriend. Even then, I don’t want to burden her too much with my problems. Seems everything I touch goes down the drain. Now all I have are feelings of despair, hopelessness and helplessness that I’m starting to have suicidal ideations. Anyone in the same boat? How do you guys cope up in such a hell and nightmare? I want to go outside and socialize, I really do but I have no one to turn to in my state. I have no social support and help in my situation aside from the woman in my life who still hasn’t abandoned me after all this time. It’s a miracle she’s still with me after all the failures I’ve been through. To have someone who deeply cares no matter where you are now is a miracle in this day and age, but even then I don’t know how this will last.

Processing your request, Please wait....