Why can’t I kill myself?
Am I really that weak?
Why can’t someone peacefully and painlessly kill me? Sure it is a final solution and dangerous since some of us didn’t ask to be born in this world I am not ungrateful about life I just don’t want to be alive and deal with all the humans of this world anymore.
Autism, ADD, ADHD, Bipolar, OCD, supposedly Schizoprhenia (I don’t hear voices in my head or see things aren’t there unless I am high off weed)
Suicidal thoughts are a permanent infliction it seems they come and go as they please as if they had their own way of wanting me dead. Although I do walk around and talk to myself it is something “I do”
Funny thing is some of those things seem to come and go. I don’t want be alive anymore I’ll just rebound all on my own and they will come back.
I don’t think I deserve to live or have SSDI or have this life. I don’t understand why I am not allowed to legally off myself. I don’t trust mental hospitals but I rather have the strength to kill myself I don’t think suicide is selfish or cowardly or any other bullshit sure it is the easy way out but it is better than dealing with life it is not that people don’t understand me it is I just wish I had some sort of purpose in life. Loneliness doesn’t bother me I don’t “feel lonely just empty”
I just want peace of mind
15 comments
I know those feelings too damn well. I have chronic pain and fibromyalgia. I should try to get SSDI but when you’re just 21, its hard to find a attorney to even take your case. And I feel to sick to work. I never wanted this life, but bad luck and my dumb self caused this. But even the great ones fall, Robin Williams, Mac Miller, Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell. Just naming people that had extraordinary talent or success but fell victim to drugs or suicide
27 years old at the moment of this message but I only have SSDI due to the circumstances of the family I was adopted into I don’t know all the circumstances of my birth other than my birth mother was 12 years old and ironically in high school I said I could’ve been a by product of rape and that ended up being true.
Truth be told me being dead would only be a problem for those who care but it wouldn’t be a problem for me or for the rest of the world I don’t believe in God or the Afterlife I wish it were true but I think I use that as an excuse and or justification in hopes of something greater in my life I would rather be annihilated instead of going to this eternal hell because I think that is more fucked up deal with suffering in life and then have more suffering after death I like the idea of such God or afterlife but I don’t want to go into the whole intellectual conversation about it.
I’m sorry about your circumstances. The product of rape. Atleast you’re having some income to survive. If it wasn’t for my father, I would of been homeless long time ago. There’s just simple truths to this world. And I would think about what you do know. Not the what if’s. Existence is pain. Who would of thought the earth being the perfect distance from the sun, perfect temperature and the earth rotating on its axis would create a nice version of hell. F*ck the cosmos
The universe is indifferent at best and hostile at worst but it seem we humans are the ones who give meaning to it and have to suffer through it the problem with the pain and pleasure paradox it always fails which is the bad news but the good news is that it always rebounds back for those of us who keep going back to the whole life is good. In reality sure life is good but why do I have to keep living in this world? With some of the people in the world and the fact that not everyone wants to be alive such as myself sure I will go back to being “normal” and be fine which is probably the bipolar but in reality I think that for as long as I live I will always want to die the only drugs I ever experimented on is alcohol, crack, cocaine, weed, and cigarettes I think I will probably be the alcoholic smoker type of person since it calms me down in terms of stress and what not but I know the risks I just don’t give a shit if I don’t regret it now maybe later or not depends on the situation I like getting drunk I think I am better drunk than sober plus I like the whole coffee and a smoke ritual I know it is bad but smoking is the legal way to kill myself sure once you start it is hard to quit I have more control on alcohol, but cigs will be a different problematic solution.
I care too much about the money that I lent to my older brother and have helped him with his heroin opioid addiction you know what they say every addict has an enabler but we both enable each other and disabled each other I been sober for most my life now it is my turn to be the addict I guess since I don’t care about mental hospitals or therapist or that bullshit I wish I could just end it all I will be all normal again because that is what happens with me I just rebound back and forth at least I am at the point in my life where sure I like going to the bars and whatnot it gets me out of my head and out of my shell just depends on the situation I think isolation is what fucks me up due to autism and naturally walking around and talking to myself which of course every other person has a problem with I don’t trust mental health drugs or meds I tried an SSRI and I was on the other spectrum I was more suicidal on the drugs the irony is that I didn’t like alcohol at first but now I know how good and bad it is but the funny thing is it helps get rid of suicidal thoughts depending on my bipolar or environmental or time and place and people.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, life was OK – while it lasted – now it’s just drowning in muckalooie. A rat race I can’t say there was anything I wanted out of life, so what did I find? I didn’t find anything.
I suppose I talk to myself to remind myself I am not an opinionless thoughtless person floating in a sea of someone else’s point of view. I come up with my own sh*t and I believe I’m talented in the intellectual frame. but I also don’t pretend that I say or think these things for anyone other than myself. I do not like to follow a crowd, I suppose because I am independent, damit
I found a site with a bunch of people discussing the wrongness of mental hospitals if you’d like to see what they had to say
https://amp.reddit.com/r/PsychiatricFreedom/comments/84fd21/sanctioned_suicide_banned/
Sure I will look into that but to be honest I don’t think I’ll ever commit suicide mentally want to but the physical doesn’t cooperate.
Ya I really want to commit suicide by gunshot to brain but I’ve been I guess I would call it abused a lot the last few years.. I can’t really judge if it would fall under domestice abuse or prejudice and hate against my kind (I am a homosexual) so I am staked out. It may be a personal vendetta against me? I see no real good reason for such (other than the prior). I frequently feel I am being followed .. I am currently a lot weaker from these things that keep happening to me also something negative happened to me when I reacted very badly to medication they forced me on, simply for disclosing suicidal thoughts. I was very young and I’ve been “half the person I used to be” since then so it was traumatic. I used to be so happy and proud to be me. I try to get over it but know at least half my life will be wasted to it now. I have no reason to continue living, but as I have said I am MUCH MUCH weaker now and am most often in a terrified state… I do not have a car so I can’t drive off the easy way I had always planned and I’ve been in psych ward so I can’t purchase firearms easily like I had always planned (go to pawn shop, purchase rifle, drive 30 miles into the middle of nowhere, and kill myself.)
Now I rely on the possibility of other private sellers providing me with guns (if I magically get enough money to pay up) and then I either gotta take my parents car (potentially illegally) then drive to middle of nowhere, walk 5-10 miles and commit after somehow disclosing where the car is so they can get it back. I’ve been trying to do this for 6 years… since legal age to buy gun. Although last time, I finally struggled as flat broke for 3 years and could finally buy a gun (350$ trade) I was followed, stalked, watched by strangers I hadn’t spoken to in ~ 9 years. And then they took it and I was back to being flat broke for 2 more years.
I don’t know to edit my plan, but that is the way I feel would be the best possible way to commit. I am really against strangers finding my body because I do not want to be touched by folks that I despise so if I commit at home from lack of mobility I am really terrified of what will happen after, which crazy retarded son of a b*tch, will touch my body, they have the most evil little retards working healthcare, first alert, etc. I am also terrified they will strip me nude, I do not want these stupid f*cks to look at me. Each folk commits suicide differently, so I have spent every day for the last 5 years searching for maybe a better way to exit. Mine is perfect but it’s currently.. difficult.. to enact…
I could kill myself at the home I sleep in, but it is not ideal, but it may be what I have to do since the abuse is only getting worse. I may have to kill myself without gun power also although that is not my ideal either.
My plan I worked really hard on and is my biggest goal but it’s been 6 years and they keep taking more of my liberties away. Currently I have nothing.
I also don’t believe in afterlife or God or whatever. It’s easier to believe. But not being able to think amazing things (sometimes) ever again is scary. That’s the only reason I haven’t killed myself yet. It’s really annoying when people want to call the cops or ambulance etc. when you tell them you’re suicidal. It actually happened to me again today. Yeahhh sure, cause it totally helps saying the truth, when you get pushed like that. Who tf wants to spend their time in a closed ward.? I’ve been there, and never again.! Some principles just seem weird to me. It’s not anyone’s business what I do with my life. I find it rude and repressing to handle suicidals like that. So I understand why you ask yourself that question why it isn’t legal. Anyhow, I hope you may find peace, in whatever way possible.
Yeah the whole “If I had it my way I would put him in a looney bin” heard that many fucking times in my life we all know the people who say that would never want that forced upon them I rather be euthanized I’ll be fine though I find it rude and fucked up that I have to be miserable for everyone’s happiness I heard too many things but called too many names and me being dead isn’t really a problem I have too much I am used to getting what I want which is somewhat true but also a lie and crock of shit.
Fact of the matter is people are looking for the easiest way to bring home a fat paycheck without really doing anything at all. The people in psych hospitals get a fat salary, but they sit on their @ss and make fun of the patients the whole way through, while patients writhe in pain and try to get out of their f*cked up jail cell and their f*cked up system
And how anyone could think the meds actually work is beyond me. The medication is a step above poison, again, so they can get a fat check without really doing anything at all
Just a tiny step above arsenic
Yeah, I know mental hospitals just dope people on drugs and meds and tranquilizers and take all their insurance money and either leave you there to rot or kick you out and say oh you’re cured fucking bullshit why do people like us have to live for everyone’s bullshit?
My life is good and what not in comparison to someone else’s but being dead isn’t a problem because those who have committed suicide have found a way out of their pain and suffering and out of the system that we made for ourselves which does protect us but also enslaves us. Fuck people and their savior complexes.
I was trapped in an isolated room in a mental hospital for about 14 days with no doctor contact and no medication finally I talk to the doctor, once a week and nothing becomes of it. All that happens is I am fed and am in a room no medical expertoir at all, they trap me for 28 days and I get a bill for 36,000$. Uh, I didn’t even get a word in with the doctor and the “doctors” one was BLACK (like dark black) bad accent and bloodshot eyes and the other was FAT, STUPID, 69 YEARS OLD.