At the bar again

Getting out of my head and out of my shell I probably stop but alcohol is just the drug of choice for me it does what I want calms me down sure I do think I am better drunk than sober not all the time but it helps suicidal thoughts funny the drug I used to hate is now the drug I love I’ll try not to be addicted to it addicted personality prolly due to OCD or as I call it OC I don’t really believe it to be a disorder just my nature plus all disorders are bullshit it is a real thing but also a stereotype but if I can’t be happy then I’ll just let myself go or whatever suicidal thoughts always comes back I don’t trust therapists or mental hospitals I rather die but I can’t even do that why do I even live?