It’s my birthday in little over a fortnight, how I dread it, how I fear it, it’s gonna push me over the edge. When u make up your mind to end it u paradoxically become calm, it’s like a line from Pushkin I remember “when a man has decided upon a dangerous but inevitable course of action his heart beats steadily but calmly”. Suicide is inevitable for me, last time I tried, over ten years ago, I used the pill overdose method, it’s not like in the movies, one pill consumed gently after another, bullshit, you scoop the pills into your mouth like a dog tucking into a bowl of chicken, I took 100 to no avail. This time I want a more reliable method like a gun but due to where I live (Ireland) that’s out of the question, so perhaps hanging or a train will have to suffice.
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Just treat it like another day and you won’t feel anxious about it. In my late 20s my friend was saying “dude you’re getting old you should be married by now.”
And ya I would’ve liked that normal life that many people had but there wasn’t any point until I had a stable career, I also wasn’t ready to settle.
The point is don’t live by society’s expectations, create your own. I’m glad that I did. For me it isn’t about checking off a list by a certain age, it’s about getting established and then you can do all the other things you dream about.
There are better ways to go, just do your research. Or if you can change your life then that’s another option.