Cognizant Sinner

  November 10th, 2018 by ArwenOfAstora

When we met I was playing you against another one of my suitors. When the other left upon finding out and we became exclusive I refused to stop talking to someone I had had sexual relations with. It tore you up and I knew it did yet I didn’t stop, for I felt entitled to both. I knew how to rile you up and I knew how to hurt you and I took secret pleasure in watching you cry. You cried out to me: “why do you hurt me when you are supposed to love me? Why do you pain me as one does to an enemy? Why do you abandon me?” I’m a toxic person, a horrible, cruel person. I don’t dislike you and sometimes I find myself in endeared fondness of you. But I loathe to be with you. I envy you, for you are better than me and for that I hate you. I’m wretchedly callous and atrocious to you and yet you keep forgiving me and I hate you for your greater morality. You deserve far better than me, why can’t you see that? When I leave I’m not abandoning you, it is an act of mercy. I’ve used every flaw of yours as a weapon against you, I’ve threatened to make you homeless, I’ve destroyed your possessions and still you forgive me and I hate you. I hate that I can’t see you as anything but an enemy and an irritation to me. You are what everyone seeks in a partner: understanding, compassionate, gentle, sweet and so, so loving, and yet you keep returning to me. I, who embody all that repulses one in a person. I am bitter, vindictive, cynical, remorseless and one not above doing anything. I remember when you told me you were afraid I would kill you one day. The truth is, I’m not above it, there’s simply no reason for it. I belittle you, I crucify you, I smite you and still you wrap your arms around me and it makes me sick. I feel vile around you. I am a grotesque, squalid creature and yet you, a thing of purity, mercy and goodness dare defile yourself with my presence? Why can’t you leave me to my anger and misery, why do you keep trying to save me? I acknowledge my transgressions and recitfy nothing, does that not merit the cease of your pyhrric crusade? Just leave me alone, I was always meant to be so. I am an exile, disqualified from ever taking part in the traditions of human life, so just leave me alone. Stop taunting me with all that I don’t deserve. Leave me alone.

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