Completely Lost…

  November 25th, 2018 by Distressed Ostrich

I’m 21 years old and I’ve been suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts for almost 10 years now (I think so at least, I don’t remember much but I’m pretty sure I first tried to run away from my home when I was 11 or so).

I don’t think it’s my dad who used to come home drunk and beat my mom.
I don’t think it’s my suicidal mom, whom I have caught quite a few time trying to kill herself when I was a kid.
I don’t think it’s the lack of friends, or the introversion.
I don’t think it’s the constant lack of money and the fear getting kicked out of my house with my jobless parents.

I think it was all of it and more that made me into the mess I am today.
And with that, I still manage to keep a facade, to pretend that I’m a normal human being.
I have friends, most people find me charming, intelligent, funny… But why does it all sound so wrong ?
Why does my lack of self-esteem and suicidal tendencies keep me from living a normal life ?
I keep sabotaging my life, cutting ties with my friends, failing exams, hurting myself.
I can’t fix my life, and I can’t kill myself (and I’ve tried to do both).
I don’t live, I just exist in this limbo, this unending torture that I subject myself to.

I guess I’m just waiting for the one little thing to push me over the edge, one way or another, whether it helps me kill myself or fix my life.
I think this year will be the year I get my answer, as I’m going to fail my degree without any easy way to reorient myself.

I don,’t even know why I’m posting this here, I guess I wanted to get things off my chest, maybe get someone to talk to…
Anyways, my rant is now over, please ignore any spelling or grammatical errors as English is not my native language.

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