dear baby

i stayed up until 2am thinking about you last night. i think it’s time i start talking to you how i would talk to you if you were still in my tummy about to be born. listen, mommy loves you very much. if you were still here i would tell you how excited i am to meet you. i can’t wait to hold you and be the first to feed you. i wonder if you would have hair, how much you would weigh, who’s smile you would have. i hope it would be your daddy’s smile. he’s so handsome. would you be a daddy’s girl or a mommy’s girl? or both? would you be rambunctious or calm? i wish i could know. but i may never know. i can only pray that i will find out when i get to heaven. baby, let me tell you something. i grew up christian but stopped believing in god around the time your great grandma died. but the minute i found out you were inside my tummy i was a believer again. you saved me little one. you made me realize what i’ve really wanted all along. unconditional love. we were supposed to teach eachother what unconditional means. and i know what it means. because even though i was terrified, i loved you even more than how scared i was when i found out you were in me. i loved you as i cried. i loved you as i yelled. i loved you as you lived and i loved you as you died. and i love you still. i fought against every fiber of my being not to scream “STOP! I changed my mind!”. I was in a constant state of conflict with myself. my body wanted to keep you. my heart wanted to keep you. every part of me wanted to keep you. but the more and more i thought, i just didn’t deserve you. i didn’t want you to possibly grow up without one parent, and the other parent is always depressed and maybe resentful. half of me thought your daddy would eventually come around, the same half of me thought you would be the cure to all of my mental health problems. i wish i saw you through. you would’ve been worth all the heart ache. i had another half that was consuming that half though. i knew for a fact i didn’t deserve you, but no one really deserves kids, do they? kids are little angels. pure and innocent. i was scared to be without your daddy. i felt alone. but i should’ve realized that i wasn’t alone. you were here. you wouldn’t have left me. now all i see is babies. i’m at the hospital right now and i’ve seen so many babies and i feel heartbroken. i had to go to the bathroom because i could feel myself crying and i couldn’t control it anymore. i can’t talk about this to anybody but you. and i don’t even know if you can hear. it’s hurting the past couple days more than it ever has. i can only imagine how ill feel on the 27th. i’ve been thinking a lot about you. i found out what i did the day after you were conceived. we adopted Kibo. maybe that is your dog. you’re an animal lover like mommy, aren’t you?