Hi there it’s been a few month. I don’t know even where to begin, it is weird what I am going through right now. I ve been crazy suicidal every fucking night for two weeks now because of my exams , me failing on an academic and social level, not even managing to work my courses and tonight, well I had a conversation with a friend of mine. She told me ‘Maybe you’re not bisexual, maybe you re a lesbian and you went out with guys because you don’t accept it. ” I first answered that being lesbian would be no problem for me butsince I had boyfriends before I was no lesbian. And I never succeeded in dating a woman. For all I know maybe I am attracted to women because I am afraid of dicks since I was raped as a child. So I prefer to say I am bisexual it is kind of a mix of both hypothesis. Really? Then I asked myself the ONE question that I should have asked myself a couple of years ago:”What do I like most about men and why did I date my exes at the first place? The answer was an obvious ‘because of their personality”. Then I thought about what really attracted me physically. The answer was a pretty face and that I preferred women’s subtile silhouette rather than men’s model with beautiful abdominals. I used to think that as a single and always on the verge of killing myself kind of girl knowing who I want to have sex with is kinda useless because of how ugly and worthless I am. But actually I realize that I am pretty scared of being homosexual and at the same time it is such a relief to know I am never going to trick myself into sleeping and having a romantic relationship with a boy ever again. So yeah despite the fact that I am going to screw up badly tomorrow tonight is the first night in two weeks where I don’t want to off myself. Hope I am going to live long enough to find myself a girlfriend that will love me despite the fact that I am ill and weird.
12 comments
You’ll never be a Gold Star lesbo if you’ve been with a guy. It doesn’t matter how many Subaru’s you own or how much box you munch, getting dicked disqualifies you from that club.
Fear not, it’s ok.
Just be you, be true to yourself and live your life as your authentic self. You couldn’t be someone else even if you tried, so there’s no point in being fake.
Do your thing and don’t apologize or explain yourself to anyone; if someone doesn’t understand or approve, that isn’t your problem. You gotta be you, you only get one go-around on this ride called life.
Not true not true.. sometimes if your with a guy it doesn’t mean anything at all, most of the time, only a mistake. DOESNT MAGICALLY TURN YOU HETEROSEXUAL THOUGH.
Like “oh I hated that” realize it’s a mistake and don’t do it again. But like you said, only you can make your own choices.
Well I never succeeded in getting properly dicked that’s part of the reason I did not stay with my exes for very long. But yeah I see what you mean, I just feel like I haven’t be true to myself in dating dudes and I thought I would accept being a lesbo because my friends are very open minded but actually in doing so I say goodbye to heterosexuality forever (what I only kinda half did by coming out as bi) and goodbye to my mom’s dream of a straight family full of her biological grand children. I kinda need to explain myself because I’m a bit lost. All I know is I like chicks and I hate dicks.
I’m a lesbian and I you know tried to be interested in men because other girls were doing it and then I was just like “no…..not for me at all.” So I’ve accepted that and been strictly lesbian for at least a decade but even as a child I always liked girls more than guys… I remember being a child and getting my hair cut and getting lots of strange .. happy .. feelings when my hair cutter had her large bosom in my face and massaging my hair, I must have been 6 or 7.. I tried not to stare but I secretly, ya know, enjoyed it.
When you’re young you don’t think “oh I should be punished for being attracted to my hair dresser .. this is not right because I am also a lady .. this isn’t normal..” you just think it happened and that’s all and then you forget about it, get over it. Otherwise another thing I recently remember is being a child watching movies. I must have been really, really young (4,5) and I watched Look Who’s Talking and I remember I was really attracted to Kirstie Alley. I just thought she looked so damn good, I couldn’t stop staring at her and I’d even get closer to the tv to get a better look. Glued to the screen. I forgot about that but have just remembered. I would think that Kirstie Alley in that movie had set the stage for what I would find appealing in a woman in the future. Softness, harmony, etc, a sweet voice, slender body, her attire, you know everything. If I didn’t get anything else out of the movie, I got a “who is that lady”
Well when I was 10 played a game I designed called “2 Moms” which was basically Mom and Dad kind of game, it amused me and my friend a lot but I didn’t thought I was into girls because I was too small to feel sexually attracted by anyone and my mom was all about grandchildren and I already knew that if I was lesbian she would be disappointed in me . I started questioning my heterosexuality when I was 14.I wasn’t attracted to any boy and caught myself looking at girls a lot. Then I had a boy crush that lasted 2 weeks and voila that’s not true, see I am normal. Then at 16 I fall in love with a girl and I kind of had to admit I was into girls.
I wish you the best academically. I hope things get better in that area.
As to to living as a lesbian I have a thought to share. Maybe I am skewed given that I am on SP but from what I see life is far from universally enjoyed. If indeed life is of doubtful benefit to it’s possessors , and given that lesbians are about 1/9th as likely to reproduce as heterosexual women, it would seem lesbians are preventing untold human suffering. Since you mention bi, they are thought to reproduce about half as often as hetero women. Again, from my perspective that seems very humane to me.
Now I just remembered my other point. What do you think about this?
A lot of women dream of being grandmothers without ever giving a moments thought to the nightmare so many will live to fulfill that dream.
Well my Mom is all about grandchildren. Yet I don’t think of her as selfish. She suffered a lot from my father’s death and she’s currently depressed too so she know how life can suck and she though she sees that her grandchildrens life could suck as well I think she will do just anything for them. I think it is our nature as a specie to want descendants. But yeah considering the state of our planet and our political landscape it is probably for the best of we don’t have many children . I personally don’t want biological children and I knew that by the age of 13 or so, but if I somehow survive all this I will probably adopt.
I bet she would love an adopted child with everything she has in her. Not having many children is probably for the best yeah.
Everyone says coming out is so hard. My mother laughed and said it wasn’t “news”. My brothers laughed and made jokes about it. Hell they still do. I don’t think I ever fully accepted it. It’s been almost 10 years since I came out and I still hate myself everyday for not being a “normal girl”. I think it’s one of the main reasons I’m on SP. I know that’s discouraging but my point is it’s different for everyone and if you feel better now that you have admitted it to yourself then I truly hope you find happiness and someone who you can share it with. Self acceptance is not something easily found. You’re very lucky
I just kind of accepted the gay part of me, I still haven’t told my mom about it she l knows I like girls but I let her hope that I am going to turn straight one day. As for the other parts I still hate them very much. But yeah it feels good to feel like I am a bit less of a peace of shit. I think self acceptance is a luxury that no one benefits from on SP otherwise we would not be there on the first place. But who knows maybe one day we will like ourselves no matter who we are.