i don’t understand

  November 3rd, 2018 by soa

there was this one person who i thought was cool and stuff and when they opened up about their problems and stuff, i didn’t mind, i felt like i was trustworthy. my view on them didn’t change. but then they started to like, flaunt their problems? like i don’t get what you’re trying to do but they’re like pulling a ‘have pity on me card because i have family issues and you probably don’t have any problems at all so you don’t have a say in this’, or maybe that’s just how i felt. and of course i didn’t say anything about it, or to anyone for that matter (until now of course). when i tried to talk about something it was like, they didn’t want to or they drove the conversation to themselves and suddenly we’re talking about them all the time.

gradually, over time, i couldn’t tell if they were telling the truth or really wanted to be friends with me. to me the latter didn’t mind as much, but honesty was a huge deal to me because i didn’t want to empathize on something they made up. but i didn’t want to doubt them. so i hung on to every word they said under the category problems. at times they kind of just shot down the little self-esteem i had left by indirectly saying that my problems aren’t actually problems and that they’re having it worse than me.

but then i believed them. thinking every problem i had was nothing. they’re probably right, though. i really understand anymore. at some point they found out that i was cutting myself. they started cutting too. i asked them questions such as why, what’s wrong, what happened back at home. they said that they’ve been doing this ever since they were little and i remember them saying ‘i’m gonna start cutting too’. at that time i didn’t really question it.

i hope this doesn’t sound like i’m putting them down. i adored them as a person, i just couldn’t figure out why they did these things.

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