I hate my father so much !!

All my life I grew up hating my Father but the irony is that I grew up to be exactly like him. It made me understand him better but also made me hate myself more. My father  was(is) verbally and emotionally abusive. He always made me feel like I was not good enough. Kept comparing me to my brother although am a girl and younger than him. He once called me a prostitute, possessed etc just to name a few. I grew up scared of him.

I was in a boarding school for the most part of my adolescence and while people were excited for visiting day, I was always scared and troubled because I never wanted to meet my dad. The same applies at the end of the semester. When everyone else was happy  to go home, I would wish we stayed in school longer just so I could avoid going home and seeing my father. There was a time in 2010 he gave me more than 100 strokes of beatings on my legs. I felt so much pain that automatically my menstral cramps  started. He also made me sleep all night on the tiles floor (which obviously are so cold). I had no blanket and in the middle of the night I felt so cold that I went to lie on the carpet of the living room. He came a few hours later still in the middle of the night and kicked me on all sides. He kicked me on my head, my legs, my butt and my body overall. I was in so much pain I thought I would  die.

I resent him so much because every man who approaches me, I just see my father in him and I get scared. I am unable to truly love because I do not believe in love anymore . I was raised in a broken home where my father would beat up my mother and verbally abuse her all the time.

At first I was so scared of him and would cry each time he does something awful but with time I learned to fight back. I would insult him too and enjoy seeing him being hurt. I promised him that on the day he dies, I would read all his abusive emails at his funeral. All those emails where he treated me like a piece of sh!t. I told him I won’t pretend infront of the world that he was a good father. I would say exactly how he was with proof attached to it. When I told him that he felt so bad and I was happy that I managed to hurt him too.

But the truth is that today I actually even feel sorry for him. He has no friends, he doesn’t talk to his mom, and his siblings (his father passed away). Him and my mom are separated and barely talk either. They are always fighting the few times they actually talk. He built a big house mansion and invited us to join him there but none of us would. He has all this money but no one to enjoy it with. He dates girls my age but at the end of the day there is still that emptiness in him.  My brothers don’t like him either. At first we would always listen to him because all our discussions were about school or money. Now that we are all done with school and we are all financially independent, there is nothing else to talk with  him about. I feel sorry for him but happy at the same time because it serves him right. Nobody wants anything to do with him because of the way he treated people in the past. He could give me a million now and I would still not care. I just pray he starts therapy or something that would make him realize how messed up he is.