Lllllll

  November 7th, 2018 by Dungeon

I’m tired of making excuses
I don’t have the talent, motivation, or passion to succeed
I have to play the fucking clown around my friends so they don’t think I’m constantly depressed and suicidal.
“Yeah I was really bad a couple years ago but ya know I’ve gotten a lot better and those things don’t bother me any more haha”
That sort of shit and add acting like I’m carefree and absolutely unaware of reality.
Everyone thinks I’m just spacy and honestly stupid. I guess they’re not wrong but they definitely don’t know why they’re right.
To be fair they couldn’t care less about that either, honestly I don’t mind that though. I’m in a weird world where I’m preparing to let go of my life but also horrified of the circumstances that allow me to get there.
Alot of my posts repeat this but I want to die whole heartedly. But I can’t be that selfish to my parents, that makes me feel sicker than anything.
God I want to leave this so fucking much, I wanna just rip my veins out of my fucking skin. I have no hope. I have nothing to look forward to. The worst part is the knowledge of everything I’ve taken/taking for granted. I understand I’m still lucky , that I could be in an actual dire situation.
But if you can’t be happy, and can’t find success what’s the point.
If your goals turn into something of a fairy tale due to your own short comings with no ability to change them, what are you supposed to do.
Just pretend like it’s better than an early grave.
To me it’s not. The anxiety of failing everyone you’ve ever cared about, the realization those people couldn’t care less about you, constantly hiding your thoughts because its just a burden to others, knowing you could never be in a relationship for a long time due to these same issues, knowing the only thing in your future is to watch family members die before you can make them proud. I’m fucking horrified of living, I don’t want this.
I just wanna go away. Why did this happen, why could’nt I just be like everyone else. I’m fucking awful.

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