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Lllllll

by Dungeon

I’m tired of making excuses
I don’t have the talent, motivation, or passion to succeed
I have to play the fucking clown around my friends so they don’t think I’m constantly depressed and suicidal.
“Yeah I was really bad a couple years ago but ya know I’ve gotten a lot better and those things don’t bother me any more haha”
That sort of shit and add acting like I’m carefree and absolutely unaware of reality.
Everyone thinks I’m just spacy and honestly stupid. I guess they’re not wrong but they definitely don’t know why they’re right.
To be fair they couldn’t care less about that either, honestly I don’t mind that though. I’m in a weird world where I’m preparing to let go of my life but also horrified of the circumstances that allow me to get there.
Alot of my posts repeat this but I want to die whole heartedly. But I can’t be that selfish to my parents, that makes me feel sicker than anything.
God I want to leave this so fucking much, I wanna just rip my veins out of my fucking skin. I have no hope. I have nothing to look forward to. The worst part is the knowledge of everything I’ve taken/taking for granted. I understand I’m still lucky , that I could be in an actual dire situation.
But if you can’t be happy, and can’t find success what’s the point.
If your goals turn into something of a fairy tale due to your own short comings with no ability to change them, what are you supposed to do.
Just pretend like it’s better than an early grave.
To me it’s not. The anxiety of failing everyone you’ve ever cared about, the realization those people couldn’t care less about you, constantly hiding your thoughts because its just a burden to others, knowing you could never be in a relationship for a long time due to these same issues, knowing the only thing in your future is to watch family members die before you can make them proud. I’m fucking horrified of living, I don’t want this.
I just wanna go away. Why did this happen, why could’nt I just be like everyone else. I’m fucking awful.

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3 comments

Lifelong Loser 11/7/2018 - 12:51 am

I’m sorry. I can relate exactly to just about every word of this.

The only difference is.. Despite how selfish everyone I know will think I am, and how much it will hurt my family and my daughter and the other few people who care about me… I’m going to end this. I have to.

This life isn’t close to fair and some unfortunate people will just never get any kind of normal happiness, success, love, friendship, financial stability, etc.. No matter what they do or how much they want it. I am definitely one of those people.

I’m just running out the clock until I exit this pathetic life in the early spring.

Cause of Death: Suicide 11/7/2018 - 11:09 am

Sounds like you are afraid at the moment. You may be having a panic attack. You mention your family is dying and if one or few have passed you will be put in grief. You might be gravely afraid, but everything passes and life flows on. Fear is an obstacle, but to nature fear is not felt. All continues and life goes on. You may hate yourself right now but like everything it will pass.

I can relate perfectly to playing like a clown to pretend you aren’t having deep suicidal feelings. That was a long time ago, but it is what I felt even then. Then I stopped worrying so much and now I no longer have friends to worry over. It’s nice to not have to play pretend. Seems like you are having some worries. Hopefully your goals are still yours to fight for.

Peace be with you.

Old_tired_Aussie 11/7/2018 - 11:32 am

Its amazing how many of us feel like that. The feeling awful, and thinking no one would ever want us in a relationship. But talk to people, you hve nothin to lose, dont worry about failing at things, we are allowed to, dont be more scared of living life than you are of living it, its fking hard but there are great moments

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