I just… can’t get away from the memories.
Apparently my pain and scars don’t meet the definition of trauma,
but what she said, what she did, what I did, sometimes I just want to end it to blank out the memories, to blank out the self accusation and the part of my brain that keeps bringing up shit that it can’t fix
she fucking left, divorce happened 8 years ago this month. I’ve moved on with my life. Then her life went great, new husband six months later, kids about a year after that, grad school success, perfect fucking american life.
me? sick. crashes. 8 fucking years of failed jobs, failed classes. What have I got? a fucking associates degree and a lot of fucking ambition
I should have gone out right after she left and bought something to end it. I could have, I had the fucking money. Maybe I should be doing that now, because it isn’t getting any fucking better.
I don’t know. My most extensive understanding is my failure, my pain, and what I don’t fucking have.
no matter how I run, no matter how high I climb, I can’t escape the quicksand of failure and lack. it’ll never be enough.
I can’t do this right now, I can’t do my life, and keep trying to escape with books, games, movies. there’s nowhere to run.
2 comments
This is pretty much how I feel: I have failed at everything. Not just one or two things…I have epically mismanaged my life…the big stuff, the small stuff. I tried really hard to change things. I went back to work after having been in the hospital for two months after a suicide crisis. New meds that seemed to be working. I thought I could do it differently….and it is all crashing. All over again. I can’t help but think that if things were going to get better, they would have by now.
This is also pretty much me. The pain, the scars, the memories is what’s keeping me down. Thirty years of living on this earth, it was only moments of joy and happiness but then it all came crashing down. As fast as the day that I had formed a communities, friendships, good career and money, it also came crashing down in an instant. I don’t know if this is my lot in life or just karma but I know in my heart I don’t deserve this.