Mourning

I’m so sorry you had to go through this! But I’m happy you didn’t go through with the suicide. And yes, this is the most normal feeling to have when someone dies, whether they were close to you, or just an acquaintance. Whether the death was suicide or a natural death, or murdered or whatever. Regret is the most common emotion.

I don’t know if this will help, but I thought I’d share a couple experiences of myself anyway. When I was 12, my grandma passed away from lung cancer. I won’t get too much into the details, but we were very close. A lot of people might think I was dumb to not realize she was going to die, but I was young and I thought her strength would get her through anything and my family didn’t tell me any different. I didn’t go see her as often as I should’ve because I just knew she would make it. One day I came home from school and my other grandparents told me she was dead. The first emotion I went through was disbelief. Then anger. Then sadness. I fell into a state of depression for a few year and began to dissociate. But before that, the biggest emotion I felt was regret. All of the feelings I felt were normal. It took me several years to pull myself out of that slump. I was probably 15 before I started really hanging out with my friends and having good feelings again.

Another experience I have is when I was 17 my ex boyfriend committed suicide. We were broken up for a little over a year prior to that. During the end of our relationship, he was talking about his depression and how he felt suicidal and stuff. And at first I tried to support him. Eventually I started getting annoyed because I felt that I was finally happy and he was bringing me down. I told him to stop talking to me about it unless he tries to get help (from like a therapist or something) not realizing he was seeking help through me. Big regret. Anyway, later we ended up breaking up because I caught him flirting with his ex. I told him I never loved him and walked away and he ran after me crying begging for another chance.

A few months later I decided that was a horrible thing for me to say and I reconciled with him. We didn’t get back together even though I knew he would take me back. I didn’t want to be with him, but I can’t handle ending things on bad terms.

A while later, I get into my current relationship. Looking back, that ex honestly gave me the best relationship I ever had. Aside from him flirting with that girl, he was literally perfect for me. And I have so much regret now that I’m with an abusive asshole who doesn’t just flirt, but full on cheats.

Anyway, he killed himself about a year into my current relationship. We didn’t talk for that whole year. Thankfully I reconciled with him before I got into my relationship. Otherwise my regret likely would be a lot worse. I still don’t know if I was one of the reasons why he felt so low. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was. But I always wonder if things would’ve been different if I stuck with him. I know I wouldn’t be in the situation I am now, and maybe he would still be here. He wanted to have children with me. He wanted to marry me. Maybe we could’ve already been a family by now. But I’ll never know.

I don’t know if this will help, all I’m really trying to tell you with all this, is you’re not alone. There’s always regret in death. No matter what. But you can get through it. I wish you the best. Take all the time you need to mourn. Mourning is the healthiest way to deal with stuff like this. Take your time.