This is me. But my fate has always been terrible. At this point in life, I don’t believe in a loving God. There’s just hate , and human nature. Which is usually narcissism.
If a picture can tell a 1000 words, mine are all lies. I grew up in a low income apt. Still poor. I remember being a happy kid until i was 4. My mother tossed her responsibility as a mother to side. I still lived with her. But she didn’t care for me. She allowed her boyfriend to verbally abuses me all the time and sometimes put his hands on me. That lasted 14 years. Just all about the way til I was 18. I get to live with those memories. Always jealous of kids who got to eat that table, get to have normal conversations or going out to eat with their family. Or family vacations or times together. I have hardly any of that. Just my father doing those things with me. He lived a town away but every once in awhile he would check up on me. He’s even guilty in a sense. Mom would always lie to him saying i was doing okay, he didn’t ask me. My mother was so worthless putting clothes on my back or school supplies was too much. The simple sh*t was too much. My first attempt at suicide when i was in 8th grade. A classmate killed herself (speculation) over a boyfriend. I have a good reason too believe that. That friday, she killed herself on sunday (mother’s day) her boyfriend was bragging of msg’s he sent her how he hated her. You’re worthless. And that incident happened long after. The reason i talk about that, i felt like that was when the first time pain was all i known and suicide crossed my mind. I taken a bottle of sleeping pills probably that week after. I have always felt like, i can’t let that girl have bigger balls than me. I puked them out that night. Still went to school the next day. Slept through all my classes haha. Then, things never gotten better. I had two finger surgeries from injuries that never gotten better. One was me punching out a window mad at my mom’s boyfriend, had a right middle digit tendon repair. And other one was a sports injury. Snapped my pinky catching a football. I know how lame. Glass and a football ruined me haha. Now i have pain in my right arm because i used to make donations at biolife and they use big needles. Would donate twice a week. Now that pain lingers. All my scars have pain. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year. They do that when a doctor can’t figure what’s causing your pain. Anyways, all that pain reaps havoc on your nervous system causing a nice relenting hell. I have developed what’s called fibro eyes. The nervous system is so overwhelmed by pain, other parts of your body start feeling pain. All i wish for is death. I tried so many times at this point but have failed. Anything i wish for and dream about is wishful thinking. I do have a last . I believe stem cell therapy might just turn my hell around but can’t afford it haha. I give myself alot of credit for making it this far. Suicide is 10x more common for a person with fibromyalgia. Against normal chances. Yes, i made this far. But do i think it was worth it? Not if it doesn’t get any better. A life full of pain is worthless to me. If you taken the time to read my story, thank you. Sincerely,
ToDamnBad
3 comments
You look like a cool guy in comparison to myself if I looked like you; I would think life wouldn’t that bad if this was talking about looks someone like you seems like you would have a girlfriend for me if I posted my image yeah.. if you know how to work computers and data you know what I would look like my better nature tells me you had it rough well I had it easy I don’t think I will ever meet you but my kind words don’t take them with a full mind take it with a grain of salt I did go back to read your story and I hope you find peace within the end I can’t give you that but nothing more then the words of someone who is 27 years old with a mind of a child at times but within this adult world if I were a all loving good God which I don’t believe in someone who practically gets what I want but also i am used to being miserable for everyone’s happiness yet also “used to getting what I want” someone like me probably doesn’t deserve what I have if it means anything without my nihilism just to try to amplify you thoughts to my own I hope your pain ends with whatever form of happiness you can receive. Peace.
Sorry to hear ToDamnBad, that’s a rough upbringing. I had a bad bicycle accident as a teenager (I jumped a ramp and my bike was damaged/fell badly) and it was very painful. I learned my lesson and never did anything risky since then.
If you lived in Canada you’d get free healthcare and they’d probably give you the therapy you needed, so consider moving to Canada. Here you can also apply for permanent disability if you’re physically unable to work, not sure if you have that in the US or wherever you live.
The decision to end your life is entirely your own. I personally couldn’t live with permanent incurable pain. I had some health issues a couple of years ago, it was very difficult but I healed up and I’m pretty good now. If it was unending then I’d probably consider Euthanasia which we have in Canada for the terminally ill and elderly. I believe in time they will become more available for people.
I read your story..
Idk how to replay tho..
This world is cruel.. i know.. i know..