I thought today would be the Day. My pain would end. No more ugly face to face every day. No more me. Once again I could not make it happen. Hopefully tomorrow will bring a day that doesn’t scream to be the Day. Maybe tomorrow will be a day when I am able to get up and out and do the things that well people do. And maybe I can have a day that I don’t hate myself.
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4 comments
Good luck.. I hope things get better for you.
I have wrote recently on what I dictate as an invisible barrier like a tether, it is what I struggle with mostly even when it is in my best interest to leave…
A little of what I wrote: “Honestly I think I should because it isn’t and will never get better or even just OK (decent) but I seem to have something retarding me from doing it…. like an invisible tether keeping me…”
It’s very the best thing for myself for me to be leaving… I’m always walking the line, but it’s just there that tether, when I know I should.. I just don’t know if I could
You said if you had a gun you would be gone. I have that and still can’t. My shotgun scares the hell out of me. The smallest one I carry and fire with no problem. Just not at myself.
I had one. It scared me enough to cause me to not commit that night but it was my pride and joy I had been waiting on for almost a decade. At first I was too young to acquire and then I could not afford. I would’ve been ready eventually, then it was taken. It sure would’ve worked too. Huh. How cool. Something that would have actually worked. Nothing else seems to be able to.
So, if I was a free man I would probably acquire one. Hold it in inventory, not touching, not looking, hardly thinking of. Probably for as long as I could stomach and then when I was ready as I could ever be, few weeks to a month. I would use it.. I wouldn’t be frightened though. Give you some time to really gurgle and chew the decision even though it’s already been final.
But this is how it worked. Ideally I’d have my own home to call my own refuge.. I do not so when I acquired one, it was taken at once – the very next day. Of course I was being followed someone was watching me knowing what I had done and another stranger interferes, ACK.
No chance to make my own decisions. Therefore I am no free man. Just a hostage to the state.