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Relapse

by beautifulsinner

Relapse. a simple 7 letter word that i seem to know all too well. i got locked up again for trying to kill myself after a year of doing well, of thinking shit does get better. but it doesnt and i suppose i should have known that. im out now, doing better, but wishing that i did end up dead. life fucking sucks and although im not actively suicidal, i wish i died. i wish the pills killed me. i wish they didnt save me. i want nothing more right now than to slit my arms and bleed all the pain and frustration out, but its been 2 years since i last cut and thats something i worked so hard for. it shouldnt matter right now, but theres that voice inside me thats telling me not to, to put all those years of therapy into practice and resist. but am i strong enough to?

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Cause of Death: Suicide 11/12/2018 - 9:36 pm

How long did they lock you up for? that’s really terrifying.. I want nothing more than to kill myself but I do fear being put in the mental hospital but I don’t really know what’s worse., the folks at the mental hospital or the folks that I live with, all terrible. The only thing worse than not ending up dead is waking up alive in a mental hospital.. if only it was easier. I don’t cut but I’m hoping to complete my suicide sometime before the end of the year. I can’t believe as an adult you can’t choose whether to end your life or continuing living a terrible one without creep interference…. I was so close to shooting myself in the head once but I didn’t because I had a rental car. I had to turn in the rental car in the morning so I bought the gun and stayed out all night, returned the rental and moved the shotgun to my car trunk…. Looking back I knew that was one of the only opportunities I’d ever have to accomplish my dreams of killing myself by shotgun and I should have gone and completed then, but stupid me got some fat b*tch in my ear and the next thing is I’m “ill take a nap and just as the night before go out when I wake up and do it then…”

I’d been waiting for that day for at least 10 years…?? .

Oh my god I wake up to a bunch of fat ugly motherf^ckers in my face and they took my gun while I was taking a nap…

Goes to show if you ever get the opportunity do not let it slip through your hands…
It’s been almost 3 years and I’d still prefer having killed my self that day than any day I have lived since then…. it’s my greatest dream to kill my self…. now I have to start at the beginning again..

Cause of Death: Suicide 11/12/2018 - 9:39 pm

Oh I forgot to add that they had me for 28 days, I was raped on the 20th day (woohoo) and they wanted to send me to state but I just kept saying I had it for recreational and everyone is saying I’m suicidal because they ugly retards… in reality I never spend time or even associate with these retards that report me time and again .. my biggest advice that is really crucial is that you don’t take the pills. You can’t deny them or they will force you them with needles or threaten to keep you longer.. in that situation I would just pretend to take them.. the pills are slow torturous murder in a bottle

Cause of Death: Suicide 11/12/2018 - 9:44 pm

Pills have an incredibly low success rate and that’s something to keep in mind. But how is being in a mental unit any worse than regular day to day? For me I guess there’s more loudmouth wh*res yapping in your ears…. nonetheless they all freaky the staff and the patients and just more of a reason to really kill yourself . I’ve always been gunshot to head myself because you get 98% success rate and the pain is only 5/100, so lowest agony. Plus, my brain is where I am in pain from and my face I don’t mind destroying when I’m killed because I hate it and don’t want it to be seen when I am dead… like if I’m dead in a casket I don’t want my face there

beautifulsinner 11/25/2018 - 6:25 pm

sorry for replying to this so late, but to answer your question i was in the mental hospital for 3 weeks, so not that long in the grand scheme of things. im sorry about you loosing your opportunity to kill yourself, but if you think of it there isnt going to be a “perfect” time to kill yourself, its about making the opportunity rather than waiting for it. i agree with shooting yourself being a good way to go, but in my country gun control is pretty intense and i have no way of finding or getting one making it not a viable option for me. i wish you the best and i hope shit starts working out a bit better than it has been before

Cause of Death: Suicide 11/26/2018 - 2:29 am

I know exactly, you HAVE to MAKE the opportunity. I was about 97% of the way there – I just had to drive to the woods and pull the trigger. Instead I took a nap and woke up to my car had been raided and searched. God knows why they needed to keep me around. I was like, literally just taking a nap so when I pulled the trigger I would have a clear, calm, well-rested mind. Also was my only way to get a gun in 9 years which was what I was waiting for. For the first 6 years I was underage, the second 3, was just me trying to scrounge up 350$!! Then I finally got the money and next thing you know it’s stolen. I didn’t even get the money back and they said I couldn’t have the weapon back even for resale because I didn’t have a BILL OF SALE. If I had gotten it back for “resale” then I really would have. I’ve been waiting for a while now. But now I mostly feel terror of the forces, there are people watching me trying to stop me from suicide that are trigger happy to calling the police and.. honestly that is worse than death. So expectedly, I have a very bad time ahead of me… my latest post is saying like it’s been 2,307 days since I swore to myself I would end my life. That is way too long, huh?

Cause of Death: Suicide 11/26/2018 - 2:31 am

Like 2,307 days ago was the day I was supposed to (needed to) commit .. now I’m just still alive for some unbeknownst reason ?? No gun = No easy suicide… but there’s other ways. I guess I fear failure and police but the sooner I go honestly the better, like it’s been way overdue and I’m too old for this withholding sh*t

Lifelong Loser 11/13/2018 - 12:08 am

I’m sorry.. This life just sucks.

I hope things get better for you somehow.

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