Thinking about dying has become surprisingly commonplace. I know it is a rather common subject of jokes nowadays as well. Sometimes it’s confusing. It’s hard to tell whether or not someone really wants to die or not; they might just be poking fun. Talking about disappearing and such is a quirk rather than a concern. I dunno. Maybe everyone’s jokes are ‘for real’ and everyone 30 and under does want to die; it would be rather concerning.
I recall when I was in a major depression that I acted the happiest. I was, to strangers, a pleasant person to be around. It was odd and somewhat freeing to care so little about myself; it made it a lot easier to care about what was going on with other people. Of course, I also really wanted to die so *shrug*.
I’m not going anywhere with this really. I think I’m probably a worse person now than I was before. I still want to die, but it doesn’t feel as bad. Before, it felt really gut wrenching and now it’s sort of background noise. It’s easy to ignore, but it’s persistent and it sort of sucks me into a daze.
It’s like when you’re a kid: all the sensations of the world feel harsher and sharper. Dirty words still have their shock value for a while. However, as you acclimate, it just becomes life. I don’t really know if that’s a good or bad thing. I suppose they both have their benefits. I guess that’s me and death.
Suicide and going on a surprise vacation seem to fit the same same slot in my head.
1 comment
Personally, suicide doesn’t bother me it is just the nature of my being suicidal thoughts always come and go and of course all the fucks of the world tend to amplify such as the worthless fucks who say, “oh if I had it my way I would lock him in a loony bin” these people people would never want that shit to happen to them. Not gonna lie I wish I was allowed to give them what they deserve but I don’t do that there people in this world that are worse than me but that becomes a crowd psychology bullshit.