this was made on 9/27/18. the due date of my baby. i wrote it on my notes in my phone, but my boyfriend found it and got pissed and deleted it. i needed it so i’m posting on here. if you just came her for the poem, you can scroll to the bottom.
today i should be excited. anxious. nervous. awaiting motherhood. instead i’m only anxious. and mad. and hopelessly sad. today should’ve been your birthday, baby. and I’m so sorry. I don’t have words for how sorry I am. so many questions are running through my mind. would you have been born on time? how much would you weigh? would you look like mommy or daddy? do you forgive me? were you fighting for your life? did you feel pain? baby i’m so sorry. it hurts so bad to think about what you might’ve gone through and i can’t stop torturing myself, looking up things, thinking about things. i can feel the pain in in my throat and in my chest and in my heart. i will never get to hold you. i will never get to be your mom. and you will never get to live. i want to go back so badly and change everything. you should be here. i shouldn’t be alone crying. and it’s all my fault. i’m so sorry. i’m sorry, God. thank you for blessing me with the greatest gift. I’m sorry i didn’t see it through. but i’m so grateful. i cherish the memories i have of finding out you were inside my tummy.. even though i was scared. i cherish the time i listened to your heart beat. i would do anything to listen to it again. just one more time. i cherish my family for wanting you so badly. we all wanted you. i deprived my whole family of my baby. you weren’t just my baby. everyone who knew about you wanted you. I let them and you down. and i’m sorry. your grandmother still cries for you. you will never be forgotten my dear angel. i feel like i have so much more to say.. but i can’t find the words. i have no words. i’m just so sorry. so terribly sorry. i would do anything to hold you.
baby butterfly in my tummy
here today and gone tomorrow
baby butterfly in my tummy
i should feel happy, not sorrow
baby butterfly, you flew away
much too soon, i begged you to stay
baby butterfly, it’s time to say goodbye
baby butterfly, i love you endlessly
baby butterfly, i’m setting you free
baby butterfly, please watch over me