November 8th, 2018 by arielblaze

so, today i learned people can use their situation of being ill, to act in certain ways, knowing that people around they will not react in a more agressive way, cause they are ill, and we do not wanna hurt them, or stress them.  i don’t know if i could express myself clearly. the complexity of the situation dazzles me. does it might be cause she could almost have died, so she must say out these unsaid truths, just in one time, cause she was so close of not being able to say these truths for ever? whatever is the reason. as william blake said “a truth said with bad intents, is worse than all the lies you can invent”. if she thinks that all of what she said was true, then fine, but it was visible that it was meant to be said in a ofensive manner, in a way that inspire me some kind of guilty, for me to look into myself and realize “oh my god, what have i done to my life! i am failure, i must change in this exact moment”. i can’t count how many times i already did this move, and none of these times it has worked, cause yeah, i don’t have an omnipotent will, i can’t make everything to turn out what i want it to be, and that is natural, no one can. so, it is always as if i lacked the will, if i lacked the purpose, if i lacked the comprehension of how serious this situation is, and fuck, it is just one more person who isn’t below my skin who is trying to tell me what i need to do in my life. even though is not just any person, is my mother. all i can think right now is that one day i’m gonna make very clear for what i have came here, and then you’ll understand with who you were talking to, and if you thought i was some kind of what the hell do you think when you want to find a way to portray people in a depreciative way, you was wrong, very wrong, and you’ll regret, and you’ll pay for the words you said. cause i know how fucked up this situation is, and i know it pretty damn well, and at least i am not saying this kind of bulshit hoping that things will change, when in fact, things only get worse after that. if i was suppose to use my energy to deal with this troubles, what i am doing now, im mad, writing a post on sucideproject, cause there is nobody which whom i can talk, and i my incredible mother said to me “you won’t mature recluded”, reffering to me and my sister, which was already diagnosed by a psychiatrist with social phobia, and now is an alcoholic. so yeah, i think that this was something very rude you’ve said, mother.

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