2AM on a Monday morning, and all I can do is stare into the darkness as I listen to most depressing music I know. On my bed, in a university residence hall in the heart of Mississippi, tens of thousands of miles from my country. I’m still wondering what I am. If I wasn’t a christian I would have let go months ago. Sadly, in the name of being a christian I thought God wanted me to get help for my “Mental Health Problems”. But telling someone “I’m gonna kill myself because I’m tired of being me,” always leads to them making the “What’s wrong with you?” face. Ever since I tried therapy things have been worse, Now I feel like I can’t ever take the suicide route because the whole world thinks “He’s a retard” and I’d just be proving them right. But I’m not a retard.
I’m awkward around people, I suck at public speaking, I’m always self conscious, and I worry about stuff months before they happen. I don’t even know how I got a scholarship. I’ve tried everything through out my life to get my head straight. People thought “He’s lazy, he doesn’t wanna go outside, he doesn’t like to be sent to the grocery store, he doesn’t like going to school, all he does is sit inside and play games on his mother’s computer, he has no idea what the world is like, he’ll never make it!!” But I’m not lazy.
I used to be fat and awkward and a nerd. But I couldn’t take the bullying, the insults, the literal disregard for how I felt, the berating, and worse off I’d get bullied at school and come back home and get bullied by my family and beaten by my drunk of an uncle. Just to shut them all up. I starved myself till I lost all my weight and the fuckers thought “Hey you lost weight coz you hit puberty” No you morons I starved myself, I did a hundred pushups a day, I never said a word in return when you said all your bullshit. Now I my weight isn’t the first thing they see when they look at me, but even though everyone is nice to me, all that shit is stuck in my head. The scars run deep and now I got zero self esteem and rely on my looks and I feel FUCKING EMPTY. Afterall that all I got was nothing in my heart.
Who am I? That I proved them all wrong and did what they never could. I even got a job made my own money, more than those half-assed people I call family members. All they did was give me a plate of food and say fuck-off we couldn’t give a shit if you were going through the worst thing in your life. Why did no one just want to be around me, I loved my mother but who would have taught me to be a man. What was inside me that they hated so much that being around me just brought out the worst of them. For years I felt like shit, that the only person who loved me was my mother. Then she died, and now I’m stuck in a reality that I can’t even believe. I’ve lost everything I wanted, and all I have I feel nothing for. Maybe I am selfish, but after 20 years trying to make other people happy and in the end making no-one happy, I realise that everything died with my mother. I lived to make her happy, I lived to make her proud, and make her smile. Thats why I worked hard at school, and didn’t care when they called me names. Because I hate myself SO MUCH, and I know those bastards never hated me, they didn’t care and thats the messed up part. They just ruined me and it was like stepping on an ant, it meant nothing, and they’ll never remember but I always will.
My mother died, and who I was died with her. I hate myself, so I’ll never be able to live to make myself happy, I need to somebody else but I don’t want to. Because the only person I could have lived for was my mother, she loved me because she took the time to know me not what was outside. Not even my sister can ever understand that. Who am I? I’m nobody and I’m living a lie. I’ll wait for the day I die, because I can’t kill what my mother made. But I wish I could tell her, that would kill myself if I could so that maybe wherever she may be, I can live to make her proud.