Life has a funny way of twisting you into the exact thing you claimed you’d never incline to, all the while loving it, clever seduction. I LOVE this misery.
Honestly I’m just tired of ‘it to the point of “hell, if I don’t believe I will give myself much longer, might as well do whatever, regardless of the insanity.
Maybe it’s having gone years with barely any form of social interaction, or my realization of the “truth”. Either way, I’m loosing it.
Though I’m new to this whole forum/group, I felt compelled by some who knows what desire to interact. Is it somewhere deep within ourselves that tells us right before the end, DO IT, speak your mind, before it’s completely gone, and from some twisted inner knot you become nothing but a shriveled human soul. A corpse to be tossed out to the dogs, nothing more. Is it that one last grasp from within that screams, I WILL NOT SUCCUMB IN THIS FASHION. Inwardly knowing the pain of this deception. I now know why. If anyone even has a clue what I’m talking about, or doesn’t, or just honestly want’s to strike up a interesting convo, feel free, truth is, I’m desperate to talk.
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I wouldnt really know what to talk about, but id be interested to chat. Im so fucking bored. Life does always twist you into something you said you never would. I think its just us not being able to comprehend certain things or situations, until we are in them deep enough to realize.
Like you I’m in the same boat. My routine consists of waking up, stare at walls or in front of the computer screen surfing the internet and playing video games all day for around 8-14 hours, only going out when fetching gf, then repeat the next day. I have developed agoraphobia, have become a recluse and basically a shell of my former self. There’s also that “voice” or “desire deep inside that I have some sort of manic episodes where something deep inside wants me to just hang out with someone and get out of the house but my social anxieties and fear of being seen as a loner loser who just walks by himself prevents that. I have no friends, no life and no job. I’m a social recluse, a social pariah and a loner who just happens to have a gf of 13 years during my prime hay days when I had many friends and was a pretty social guy. I’m long past that obviously.
I dont even enjoy games anymore. Im usually sleeping, constantly refreshing this website, or listening to music. Im so bored i beg to be more depressed so i can just soak in it, and feel more as if i had an exuse to be living life this way. Yea im depressed, but i want to just hurt so fucking bad, as to escape the monotony. I usually just cut up my arm to try and relieve the boredom, but it doesent really satiate it much, usually only enjoyable when im doing it to ease the emotional pain.
I don’t know about you but maybe monasteries exist so undesirables like you and I are pulled out of society. Maybe monkhood will us wonders. Then again, the only thing holding me back is my gf of 13 years. She has stuck with me even during my darkest times and it would be unfair for her if I just let her go and leave. That’s the only reason I’m not even in some monastery now escaping my troubles.
You can’t imagine how weird it feels for me, just to know that people actually replied to this post. It’s like I can’t even fathom the idea that I am even worth to have another human being speak to me. How do we get to this point? It’s like I don’t even remember my life, like it was a past dimension, and this day, right now, it’s somewhere very very far away from this planet. I agree NoRemorse, our minds are so naïve as to whatever this existence is, and yet so strong as to survive even long past the point of trauma. Like you BlackHolez, I have no job, I game, I sometimes just stare out the window, thinking, if I look long enough, I will shift away from here. Far far away.
The topic brings up an interesting thought. That our minds are only advanced enough to pleasure life with basic survival. Like how the people who are poor and living off the land in Africa are said to be the happiest in the world? Its like our minds arent complex enough for us to understand life as we know it now. How petty to think about, economically speaking some of the most priveliged humans on the planet, yet most of us depressed. I think its just the system and the way the world is too, but we could go on forever about all that. R
I would be too lazy to do something like that, but i cant say the thought hasnt crossed my mind. Interesting you talk about it, ive been dabbling with bhuddism recently.
I’ve looked up monasteries that have community living as it breaks the monotony of my lifestyle. Benedictine monasteries have come to my mind as I’m already baptized catholic and visited one and lived with them for a week. All I can say is that it refreshed me and made friends there during my brief visit. I worked there in their shops, tending the greenery and picking up coffee fruits to be processed in their coffee plants as that particular Benedictine monastery were selling ground coffee to the local shops and crushed peanut candies in my particular area. It broke my meaningless monotony whilst living among them that I kinda felt fulfilled and refreshed there. Maybe I really should go back and ask them to let me join. But again, the only thing preventing me for now is my gf of 13 years. I fear if I do go with my decision to finally join the monastic order, I would regret it and have no one to return to if the monkhood decision doesn’t go through.
Maybe they do, maybe we were meant to live this kind of miserable life. All I know for sure is, I want to be choked and suffocated by this force we call pain. I want it to squeeze me until every last drop of sanity is diminished, and still cry out for more. We have grown comfortable with what we have become.
Why do you think that is? Im not sure if i want the same because im bored, naturally rebellious, or just want to push myself to my own death.
Never really did look into that @no_remorse. Though, I can’t say I haven’t ventured into some aspects of darker religions. I don’t usually discuss it. Though, I will hint at indulging in self- hypnotism, which is about the only bit of freedom I have nowadays. Even then, never really free.
Its definitely worth looking into. If youre into reading, a book i can reccomend would be The Wisdom of No Escape And The Path of Loving Kindness, which was given to me by a counseler who introduced me to bhuddism. My older brother has always been super into more ‘dark’ spirituality and the occult. So i can understand. @crypticveins
I just think to myself, in two years, will we be gone? Will we have done it, like some of the others have already. I was scrolling through old posts, 2010 era. Just thinking, so many of the people who wrote these articles, are now dead, or gone. Weather by their own hand, or life. As to why we love this? Ach, perhaps it is because the truth has found us, and wont let go, knowledge seems to spawn deep consequence.
@crypticveins What do you do to pass the time? You said you have no job and just game to pass the time. I’ve been like this for two years and it’s killing me. I don’t know if I could last one more with my routine to be honest. How long have you been doing this?
I will. And by dark I do mean dark. I guess i’m more attracted to the very unusual almost trancendal kind of occult. New topics of such intrigue me.
I’m also thinking of dying or going to a monastery to spend the rest of my days there free from the judgment of this world and free from the problems of my past (partly due to me but mostly from other people). Sometimes I even wish I would never wake up but I know I’m too much of a coward to kill myself so here I am just passing the time and waiting to die instead.
I somewhat felt the same way about suicide, only assuming some monumental tragedy in my life would push me to those extremes.. But recently with me falling into cutting, its made me realize just how much im actually not a coward. I dont want to entice you to get into something which is truly meaningless and destructive, but i will say that it feels the more i cut myself the more i build up the ability to actually commit.
I somewhat felt the same way about suicide, only assuming some monumental tragedy in my life would push me to those extremes.. But recently with me falling into cutting, its made me realize just how much im actually not a coward. I dont want to entice you to get into something which is truly meaningless and destructive, but i will say that it feels the more i cut myself the more i build up the ability to actually commit.
4-5 years. I guess you can say iv’e always been like this, but as time draws it becomes worse and worse. I sit at my computer and listen to music. Shift through youtube, and just recently joined here. I haven’t been gaming much actually, but when I did, I was into roleplaying. Creating a char and developing them. Gta World held my attention for some time. I gather you might be a reader?
Yes, I’m also a reader. I used to engross myself reading books and pass the time reading novels and other scientific trivia regarding astronomy. Of course once I made friends in college and started hanging out with people during my prime, that all kinda stopped as my routine suddenly shifted to basketball, just hanging out with people to pass the time, doing random funny stuff that we would make memories with and playing guitar to impress the “girls”. Yes, I was a normie once and liked it. Wish I could return to that time in my life. Too bad it’s never going to happen.
I made a post a while back pointing out the contradictions and ironies of modern life. Poor countries are happier by a long margin while economically prosperous ones have one of the highest incidence of depression and others suicide. Maybe the more man is closer to his community and nature, the more they are happier. I think industrialization is to blame for our present malady. Industrialization has atomized our society so much that it has isolated us to be just cogs in the machine. Pre-industrial or agricultural societies don’t have such a problem. Maybe Ted Kaczynski is right in some regards. Technology has destroyed us and will continue to destroy us until it all comes crashing down.
Yes exacty. I would say moreso to industrialization and modern architecture, with lack of actually community. Technological advancements out of nature are fine for the most part, its our lack of understanding on how said advancements may truly effect humans. I watched a video about how modern architecture in america is made completely for business and car transportation, and completely destroys ‘community’ which is something humans absolutely need for hapiness and comfort.
Yea, i’d love nothing more than to be accepted into such. Even a cult, just leave everything behind. I’d devote all my time and mind to it. The thing that drives me nuts, is the fact that a simple act could make it all stop, but have yet to finish that job. We really are trapped here, arent we?
Look into Benedictine monasteries if you’re catholic or Buddhist ones if you’re not religious. I think they can be accepting and accommodating though the only catch is the vow of celibacy. What’s stopping me from joining is my gf of 13 years. I don’t want to live like this but I don’t want to lose her either as she’s the only thread holding me together at this point. I dread to make the choice for now as there is the fear that I would regret my decision if I do become a monk and it doesn’t work out. I’d have no one to return to if that were to happen.
Life is definitely a delusion. I look out the window and see all the people driving past in their cars, if I go outside, I see people walking around… it doesn’t matter where… so many people are chasing this carrot of ‘success’ in life. What is success? I think everyone is sick. I’m biased because of a recent experience, but life really doesn’t have any meaning at the end of the day. You can look for meaning, you can hope meaning will come to you, you can try to create meaning, at the end of the day, comes night, comes day again, same old routine.
I hope I’m dead in a few months. Even if I wasn’t suicidal, I gotta admit, life is pretty boring and vain, shallow. No wonder lots of people play video games. I find myself playing them more as of late. In the real world I’m so insignificant, in a game at least I can be powerful. Everyone who lives past 30, heck I dunno how you guys even do it, 25 feels long enough. How can people even tolerate a lifetime of this world.
I think the only thing that could save me now is a meaningful connection with someone or getting my ex back (trivial, I know!). I see everyone relate to everyone else. I can have a basic conversation. That’s it. I’m a bit twisted, messed up, and I tend to change my mind about things a fair bit, and people always assume such people must be liars because they change their mind like that.
Anyway forget my rant about myself.
I don’t want to seem judgmental, perhaps I have a theory as to why some people in economically poorer countries like Africa may be happier, maybe on the whole they have less to worry about. What you don’t know can’t hurt you.
By the way what’s your routine @crypticveins ? I’m genuinely curious. How old are you by the way?
Even say 20-30years ago. You look at how they lived. No, their lives weren’t perfect, but it was simple. It was more *whole* so to speak. And why? Well, one might come to the partial conclusion, lack of so much technology. They lived. They didnt just survive. Oh but to go back to those days, what life might have been like, and never will be again.
I mean tell me if im wrong.. even the fucking 90s was wholesome. Now life just seems cheap and shallow. I think the progression of the internet really fucked us up. And i hold STRONG to that idea right there. As someone who was always interested in youtube for example, back in the day anyone could post and get views and people looking at their stuff. Everything was still new, people didnt really understand, it was fun. You could post whatever you wanted online, anything creative that you worked on, or talk to genuine people on forums, whatever the fuck. Youd be listened to, there was basic understanding, youd be seen. Nowadays on the internet, post a vid on youtube 0 views.. Noone gives a shit about eachother, everyone is just fucking feigning for relevancy. And everyone is divided. If you guys like games ill just bring up Halo 2 xbox live, compared to what xbox live is like nowadays. Golden age of internet has passed.
Yeah, grew up in the 90s (I’m a millennial) and it was kinda wholesome. All we had were TV shows and Nintendo NES where we hanged out with friends and played games with. Now it’s all social media where everyone is one-upping each other and posting how fake their lives are. Social media has also been used as a bullying tool (which I know firsthand!) which has driven others to suicide and isolation. It’s crazy how the internet has changed lives to even be more isolated and atomized on top of our already industrialized and atomized society.
Ill also add.. this thread really fucking blew up. Its nice to have some other people to talk to on here around this time.
I’m 19 @black-holez. I used to work, then moved with my mom and her bf. Guess you could say I’m still living off another.
Same age as me ha.
Wow you guys are still young. I’m already 33 and just recently became like this. I made this thread by the way with NO_REMORSE also replying:
https://suicideproject.org/2018/12/it-all-came-crashing-down-in-just-a-day
I’m really hanging by the thread. As for how it came to be, here’s my life story:
https://suicideproject.org/2016/12/i-feel-lost-and-broken/
I last posted here on December 2016, stopped this January 2018 thought I was okay then went downhill again last November 2018 and started posting here again. Didn’t know time flew that fast. It’s been two years already since I’ve been living like this.
Wow you guys are still young. I’m already 33 and just experiencing this shitty phase in my life. I think you guys still have your lives ahead of you since you’re still at that stage where you are socially “promiscuous” that finding friends left and right is no problem for you. You just gotta put yourselves out there and I know good things will come to you.
Oh ok you make that sound real easy
It isn’t but you gotta do it if you want to escape from the trap called depression. Age also plays a factor into this so those who are still younger can escape easier than those older.
Lol, I had a weird feeling we were both the same age.
@black-holez
Indeed we are young. Though I think we are more aware and receptive than some who are older and never even consider some of the things we discuss here. Perhaps, it’s the new era that are vastly becoming the most unsatisfied.
It’s funny because, whatever you believe to be reality, is what becomes normal. I never lived that teenage phase of my life out. Didn’t party, didn’t drink or go out with anyone. Nor did I ever want to. Focused on studies, which I now look back on and realize it was pointless. Hell, it all is, hahaha.
I always believed during my teens to live life in the moment and always appreciate the small things. Now that I’m older, I look back and realize what I lost and I know that I made a huge mistake. Yes, it’s life is pointless but going out there and having fun makes it all worthwhile despite the meaninglessness of it all. Gotta appreciate the smallest things, a trait which I now lost.
despite my pessimism, i should think about that more often.
I lived my teens doing the partying and the only thing that brought me was legal troubles, a scummy group of shallow people surrounding me, and an addiction to coke. And i sometimes think if i had focused on school instead i wouldnt be feeling the way i do now, so i wouldnt say you missed a lot. I think its just both sides of the same coin.
Nobody really does care about each other, that’s nature. I’ve found in my short life that nearly everyone who says that they care, will only do so if it benefits them. (I’m not claiming that I’m any better). I wish people were honest about that stuff.
Yea, ive been proven time and time again how true that statement is. I dont know why i slip up and lean on people, just to get hurt or crushed. I dont like people, and i want to get by and succeed without them. I think the only thing that can transcend the shallowness of human nature, that would be love maybe?
Well that’s another thing, I listen to others problems, when it comes to mine, where did they go? I don’t really trust people anymore. People can be really sneaky as heck manipulators.
Idk what to think about love. I wish people were nicer to each other. If I am ever bothered I’d get some pet mice. I bet they can show alot of love!
Speaking of consoles, I’d love a panasonic 3DO
Same. I’m selfish and cruel, and I don’t care. I am unaffected. Any empathy or remorse I might have felt, I made sure to extinguish. Truth is, when you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t, it changes you. People don’t deserve my sympathy, or respect. They don’t. So I don’t give it. And I don’t deserve theirs.
Anyone play RDR2 btw?
Only have the 360, so I have the older version, it’s nowhere near as immersive, but it was made eight years ago, so can’t complain.
That’ll do for now, Mr. Marston.
Ive actually got the classic 360 hooked up right now. I dont enjoy games like i said, but i usually have GTAIV, Halo 3, or Gears of war 1 open if i feel like playing a classic for a lil. To be honest its on right now in my room, its nice just having one of these games turned on the tv for the atmosphere. Thats all i really use my xbox for haha.
I played all those games way back when. 2011-2012, ah, those were the dayz.
If you’re looking for a good pet, guinea pigs I have found to be decent. Personally I breed them and the babies are adorable. Not exactly ones for cleanliness though.
I’d rather not have friends. Sometimes I’d like friends, sometimes I’d like a relationship, sometimes i want interaction. I feel that I prefer to be on my own. Nobody to bother me, nobody to care about, nobody to think about… if i could press a button and forget about everything, I’d press it. I’ve had enough. Any friends i do have, I think I’m gonna slowly let them go over the next few months. I can’t be bothered to maintain friendships. Yeah, I’m a lousy friend.
I have a couple online friendships, thats all. I know their limitations, so i only keep in contact on my own term, but i care about them. Dropped everyone in real life. I prefer to be on my own, or with just a girl i can trust.
Ah someone I knew had a guinea pig years ago. It was so cute lol
@no_remorse I sometimes just put the TV on for no reason, and let it sit in the room, creates a certain vibe I can’t place. Love having it just on all day.
@mouse Yea man, did the same thing. Something inherently pleasing about just leaving, not telling anyone. Leaving them to figure it out for themselves. People are poison, in the most literal sense. It’s unfortunate, but another truth.
The electricity bill does not appreciate your television.
that feeling when im a scumfuck leech and dont pay the electric.
@emptypluto lmao
It’s all fine until the landlord sics his pitbulls on you.
I have a Pitbull, but she’s useless. Goes around barfing on the floor and licking it back up. She’ll shake in fear over absolutely nothing.
Too lazy to watch this movie rn. Takes so much concentration.
What movie? Is it a 7-hour long artsy-fartsy black-and-white film?
Clockwork Orange. Not very sure of it.
I’ve never seen that movie. Well, if you watch it, feel free to post your review on SP.
Im just browsing SP listening to music. Might try to write some lyrics, probably will just cut myself to pass the time. Was playing some gears 1 but shit got boring quick lol. Yourself?
You ever played any of the state of Decays? @no_remorse Can’t recall if there are only two, or three.
Funny you mention, i launched up the original one couple days ago. I bought it back when it first came out, really great game, very unique. Skyrims one of those games that i always start up a playthrough and get bored and quit around level 15-20. Tbh i can only play that game if im high as shit lmfao.
Skyrim Elder Scrolls was ok with mods, got bored fast.
Only game that can hold my interest nowadays is DayZ.
I think because its kind of like an mmorpg, but i can immerse myself really deep, and go at my own pace, and its just a really immersive exciting beautiful game. I just love the fuckin game, made me buy a pc back in 2012.
I started roleplay with that game. Never was good at it. Left before they released the new update, havent been back since. Between getting captured and tied up, that was about all I did. Lol.
I believe scum is out for beta.
I bought that game played for 20 minutes. From what i heard that game died on release. DayZ actually just left early access the 13th.
Shit, that game was all the rage for a long time before it was released. Tends to be the case though, dayZ is an established platform, hard to compete with. I might have to check it out again. Kind if miss it, just not the 9 year old squeaky voices, especially coming from text based rp, haha.
Well i dont play games much, but if you do want to pick it up and need a partner for the apocalypse im your guy! i know a shit ton about that game.
You guys have email or discord? Hit me up at pinoygamingedition@gmail.com. I’d love to chat with people who have it similar with me.
Message moderation is hitting up. Let me post back. You guys have email or discord? Hit me up at pinoygamingedition @ gmail.com. I’d love to chat with people who have it similar with me.
CrypticVein4870 is my discord.
@no_remorse Sure. I’d join you. We’re talking about DayZ right?
yea.. i sent you a request on discord.