It’s been half a year since I last came here. A lot of things can happen and change in six months, and it’s still incredible how some things remain constant in your life, for better or worse.
Tonight I feel down, yet again, but I’m getting to the point where this feeling is overwhelming me, more than the usual “I can handle this amount of sadness” feeling I tend to ignore most of the times. College is tearing holes in my self-confidence, my mental health and my ability to maintain healthy social interactions with others. With everyone around me having the typical “Holiday cheerfulness” and organizing parties and whatnot, I’m having an embracing feeling of anxiety where I’m pushing everyone away, ignoring them or their invitations and then feel guilty because of that, but can’t find the courage to apologize or to simply tell the truth and say something like “I’m feing down, I can’t make it to your party, sorry”. No, instead of that I keep inventing excuses that end up making everyone around feel disappointed about me and end up making me feel more like the shitty human being I apparently am. And also the fact that everyone around is currently on a relationship while I’m still single doesn’t help either. I feel like I don’t fit anywhere around all these couples, like an outcast. Then again I’m one.
So yeah, the usual loneliness and all the “being forgotten by everyone” sensation is back. On the most cheerful of seasons. Ironic.