i know it sounds dramatic, but i feel like there’s no point to anything. i am going to be going to college next year and the thought has lost nearly all of its shiny appeal as i realize how much crippling debt i will be in. there is no guarantee i will even be able to get a job after that, and even if i do, i will just spend the next 60 years of my life working to pay off the debt and killing myself day in day out at my job. i feel too toxic and too ugly to love and i dont know if i even believe that im intended to find anyone in my life who will care about me, so why stick around? everything feels gray at best and breakdown inducing at worst, i havent felt genuine happiness in ages aside from very uncommon bouts caused by extremely unique, expensive, unsustainable circumstances.
i just feel like the world would be the same without me in it, if not better, and im not even enjoying my life so why should i stay and continue to suffer?
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In the 14 asstillion years that humans have been capable of thought, I don’t think anyone has answered your question. In other words, you’re not being dramatic, you’re being real.
As much as I hate what this guy said, I have to agree with the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus who said “pleasure” was the only meaning of life. I put it in quotes because he went on to say it should be based on moderate living and simplicity rather than booze drugs and fire trucks (hedonism). But yeah, in direct opposition to theologists & spiritualists, he said that the point of life is to do things that make you happy. Pretty base & disgusting when you think of it like that, but hell, life is pretty base & disgusting.
That reminds me for some reason of the roman stoic philosopher Seneca, who had ideas like life is a punishment and death is the detachment from its suffering. Then he slit his wrists in a warm bathtub.
Today, right now, right this second, this makes sense. Death would be a blessing. Maybe not all the bleeding and pain and sensory wonderfulness, but the cessation of THIS existence. Yeah. Someone draw my bawwwth, and fetch me a razor. Bawwwth is bath in a British accent.
A good Senecan warm bawwwth sounds really good right about now.
Then there was Socrates and his hemlock margarita.
And my favorite is Diogenes who reportedly died by holding his breath.
Those philosophers were a cheerful bunch.
Early in my college career I thought much the same, dropped out for a few years to play the market. The market without a degree is pretty bad, one needs at least a skill certification which of course takes school (or an apprenticeship.)
The debt isn’t that much in the scheme of things, there are cheaper ways to do college. I got my associates (equal to freshman and sophomore years) at community college. My fiance did the same but her education was free because she graduated from the right high school and started young enough. At the end of this I had 30 grand in debt. In my area that is a quarter the cost of a decent house. I negotiated with my loan provider and will be on income based payments, and will easily make enough more just from the associates to adjust to that.
I’ll be in approximately 60-70 thousand by the end of the bachelor’s degree. My bachelor’s degree will secure me an 80 thousand to 300 thousand dollar job (I had really good advisors and picked a good choice for second major.) That makes me roughly middle to upper middle class at that point. I’m hoping to go to grad school and get it paid for as well as a living expense stipend. So at the end of all of this I’ll have a phd that has 99% employment as well as a bachelor’s degree second major to fall back on.
The debt isn’t great, but better than the shit market without it. I’m sick of being laid off, or having some executive screw up and I pay for it.
I think people attach different meanings to things, things other people do think or say may be at complete odds with the way that you feel and then that will create discourse. However, it is all in the eyes of the beholder meaning you can choose how your life will flow. You can choose what will keep you going. You can follow the crowd for heaven’s sake or you can do f*ck all. Nonetheless, retain individuality and do not accept others’ word as law for Christ sake. I take a full and thorough understanding of the “UGH pay all this money just to work to create more money for a the leaders and their monopolies.” But then they I guess are supposed to provide us with the means in order to live a life that feels full. They do their best to fill the cities and entertain us, they also try to create vibes of happiness and good working condition. They let you create savings and retirements and they award you with honors considering. You may feel like a bigshot at your job and you may climb to the top. There is also the question of morality and higher politics that you may take place in. Controversy and the like, for a chance to lend a guiding hand. It may all feel not very worthwhile, but I consider that maybe that is just the way that it is. Unfortunately the world will be the same without you so if you are expecting to leave a mark or some sort of remnant to create a greater good in the world then you may expect to have to stick around. I hear feelings are usually toxic greywash. If you can avoid the way you feel so bad, then maybe you can survive, If the suffering is truly THAT bad, that is usually when the suicidal folks will pull the plug.
From my personal perspective, the most chaotic thing to me seems like school and college. I intended to pull the plug at a very young age so as to not be “expected” to go to college and excel at f*ck knows what they push into the young adults minds. Then I figure out the whole god d*mn world is corrupt and power-satiating. I can say from a personal perspective that having failed at committing suicide as I planned for so long has left me marooned at sea. My date was August 1, 2012. The last 6 years have been very, very pointless. Mind-numbingly trying to fill in the hours, doing the best I could to keep a steady mood after a poison apple caused me to be unable to be effortlessly genuinely happy. For a while there I was coping all right, but still tweaking off the idea that even though I missed my date, I can still commit some time in the near future and that hung above my head like a saving grace. “Near Future.” Should all stay the same or get worse, I would find my way to the nearest door. Always a suicide date of “Near Future.” Believe me, I have had no joy in remaining sentient and Lord knows I didn’t anticipate being alive on this day. “Near Future” turned into a “God why is this pushed so far out…” Now I am ghosted, the mood and life I had created myself had been turned over to the police force and frankly I am trapped in a basement day in and day out where I am occasionally tortured, no try at independence, completely owned by the government. They watch when I shit, sleep, cry, rock back and forth, harm myself. Sadly, my method of choice is not easily obtained, they have taken my license but at first opportunity I would find myself backing out of my driveway driving to a private property to complete a private sale, I would take the large gun and drive into the large backcountry, probably much farther than I should go, and then I would shoot myself through the mouth towards the brain. This was my goal for the fated night of August 1, 2012. Not easily accomplished, as I also have the responsibility of having to afford some type of transportation so I am not handed over to the police as suspect – just for vouging to end my life instead of suffer. This should have been completed already, no?
I’ve read many posts about people being in debt going to college, I think it’s student loans and they borrow and they end up in debt. I don’t know what kind of pretty picture they paint to get people to sign up to this stuff. Putting people in lifelong debt and some can’t even pay it all back is so wrong.
RE people caring, I’ve found its extremely rare for someone to genuinely care. Yup not really what anyone wants to hear but that’s the truth.
I think it would help everyone if people were more honest about the fact that life…..kinda sucks. The expectation of being happy and finding “People Who Care About You!!!!” (both of which are things I have to believe happen to some degree for everyone, at some point in their lives) makes the times when you AREN’T happy/surrounded by people who care feel isolating and even worse than they need to.
You know, I think deep down some people know that life truly sucks. But they decide to sugar coat it, saying nonsense like ‘most people are kind’. I wonder why so many people gather on a su i cide site if ‘most people are kind’, huh????
Life basically sucks, and in between sucking there are happy moments, but life, if you observe it, is about the weak being killed by the strong. That’s pretty much it, unfortunately. It’s just how life works. We twist it and tweak it and insist it’s got to be wonderful, amazing and empowering, but we’re an odd little species that’s being groomed for eradication, thank the universe.