Evil. Everything I see is evil, inside and out. I won a great victory over my own demons today, but I feel no exhilaration. No sense of accomplishment. I do feel a little less twisted and torn up, which is nice, but mainly I just feel tired.
Thoughts and memories fly around in my empty, tired head. Thoughts of people I met, libraries I visited, librarians that taught me things, girls I loved, things I wanted. But it all flies in and out of my head, meaningless. I feel unreal, like the world has almost completely faded away from me. It’s a struggle right now to remember the things that are important. Logic. Reason. Ethos. And a handful of promises.
I am fading away. The more I clean myself, the more I realize that without the evil there is nothing. But I don’t want to be evil, so the only choice is just giving everything up, and losing my personality, my desires, and my happiness. But the sadness still stays.
I no longer have any shot at greatness. I won’t be able to change the world, I won’t even be able to change my own life, or the world around me. I’ll never be anything anymore.