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Fading Away

by Teresa's Child

Evil. Everything I see is evil, inside and out. I won a great victory over my own demons today, but I feel no exhilaration. No sense of accomplishment. I do feel a little less twisted and torn up, which is nice, but mainly I just feel tired.

Thoughts and memories fly around in my empty, tired head. Thoughts of people I met, libraries I visited, librarians that taught me things, girls I loved, things I wanted. But it all flies in and out of my head, meaningless. I feel unreal, like the world has almost completely faded away from me. It’s a struggle right now to remember the things that are important. Logic. Reason. Ethos. And a handful of promises.

I am fading away. The more I clean myself, the more I realize that without the evil there is nothing. But I don’t want to be evil, so the only choice is just giving everything up, and losing my personality, my desires, and my happiness. But the sadness still stays.

I no longer have any shot at greatness. I won’t be able to change the world, I won’t even be able to change my own life, or the world around me. I’ll never be anything anymore.

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freeroma 12/11/2018 - 1:17 am

Being less twisted is an accomplishment, just not the kind you’ve been used to. There’s no fanfare or a predetermined knowledge of what wins or loses… as a goal oriented person focused on winning, the quiet kind of successes aren’t exactly common, don’t make as much of a splash but they still matter, and count as making a change in your life.
I don’t think without the evil there’s nothing. I’ve never been sold on there just being or mostly being evil there, anyway.
You’ll be you, whatever that evolves into. And you’ve already changed your life, a few times over. Maybe it’s not just a transition unto nothing. Maybe no labels is ok for awhile, to just be instead of being *something*.

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