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Feeling life is pointless

by Black Holez

-33 years old
-no job
-no friends
-not close with family

It feels like I’ve wasted my life and it’s only been two years since I’ve lost everything. Obviously I wasn’t like this before as I had friends, girlfriend and a job to keep me pre-occupied. It’s only when I was betrayed by those closest to me (which are my friends) that I feel the weight of the world weighing down on my shoulders. How do you guys go through another day living like this? It feels like I’m going nowhere with my life. I want to escape to a monastery so bad but that would also entail leaving my gf of 13 years and I dread that if I do go through with monastic lifestyle, I might regret leaving my girlfriend behind who has stuck through with me all these years. It breaks my heart to even think of our relationship that we’ve grown strong and together and in the end didn’t even get married.

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flutterby 12/27/2018 - 1:32 am

“In the end didn’t even get married.”
I’m confused…..did it end?

It’s not the end my friend. It’s the beginning. Every second is a chance to begin new.
Don’t run to a monastery. Bring your idea of that life (ie: meditation, martial arts, etc) into your life as it is.
Use your energy to build things up and forget how you feel. Emotions can be put in check because it’s your life, not theirs.

Good luck bud! You can do it.

P.s.
And hey….appreciate that girl of yours especially if she shows you love. That’s big! And we don’t all get a chance at that. We get a lot of small chances and that’s why we get told it’s the little things and to appreciate them as well.

Black Holez 12/27/2018 - 1:52 am

Sorry, english isn’t my first language. What I meant to say is that it would be a shame if we had our relationship for 13 years and in the end don’t even end up being together. And sorry if sound like I’m a downer but I don’t think empty platitudes like these will help me. But thanks for trying help me though, I mean it.

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 1:56 am

It’s only empty if you see it like that.

Life is all choices my friend.

Black Holez 12/27/2018 - 2:00 am

“Life is all choices my friend.”

That’s easy for you to say. I didn’t choose to be depressed, isolated or distant with my family. This was forced upon me when friends betrayed me, castigated me on social media and with family being abusive towards me.

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 2:09 am

You didn’t choose their actions but you choose yours and you can choose to be depressed and wallow in it or you can choose to be depressed and smile through it.

It is easy for me to say because I have learned to accept the truth and it’s true for us all.

Did you also choose to give up on family and friends after all they put you through.

If you want to be a victim of lifes circumstances keep telling yourself you have no power.

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 3:49 am

I didn’t choose to be depressed either but I do choose to not give in.
I didn’t choose to have my friends turn out to be users that were only in it for themselves but I did choose to learn how to find real relationships, and I choose to make my actions around my current friends rather than let depression choose my actions for me.

Black Holez 12/27/2018 - 2:11 am

You should read

suicideproject.org / 2018 / 11 / useless-advice-people-say-who-have-no-clue-what-depressed-people-are-going-through-2/

It perfectly describes you well to a tee.

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 2:16 am

I actually do know. And I know you all hate the idea of being able to change it just like I used to. That’s the depression working on you. The anxiety tells you I’m wrong. The lack of motivation that comes from depression too kills it but once you accept that you have control you can actually take it.

heartlessviking 12/27/2018 - 1:59 am

You’ve kind of written your narrative into a corner.

The brain has two major reactive components. One part reacts emotionally, the other tries to create a narrative. depression shuts down any productivity of narrative creation. It’s the writers block of thinking.

It feels like walking in a circle: I want a better life, I have ideas about what that better life would look like, the apparent price is too much, but I want a better life.

Break the cycle, one of those things isn’t true, because logic flows to conclusion, circular logic always has a flaw.

Here are the questions: is the monastery the only life that could be better? probably not, you’ve got the moral flexibility to consider an option that goes against impulse to stay put.
What do you want? What do you need?
How can you go about getting it?
Whatever the price, how do you force yourself to pay it?
On the final topic, you’ve endured misery for some time. You’ve got a pain tolerance. Whatever the price you’ve got to pay you’ve got the ability to pay it already.

Failure is less painful than stagnation. It’s okay to make mistakes, there is none that can’t be fixed. Mistakes are teachers, they teach us what doesn’t work. It hurts sometimes, because healing hurts.

Black Holez 12/27/2018 - 2:04 am

For now I think living as a monk does wonders. I need to belong to a group bad and community living might be the solution for me. I’ve tried everything – going to school, taking up classes and trying to befriend everyone but the depression and anxiety kicks in making anyone who knows me distance themselves from me. At my age it’s hard to make new friends and start all over again. The dairy farming classes are a last resort for now. If all else still fails, I’m going to become a monk and shut myself out from the world. Less pain that way even if it entails leaving my gf of 13 years. I can’t give her what she wants in my current state anyway.

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 2:12 am

You also choose to act on depression and anxiety. If you do not act on them then no one will distance themselves because of it.

heartlessviking 12/27/2018 - 12:46 pm

I think community is definitely the right track. We all need one. There’s something healing and affirming about caring for others, and being needed. These are essential needs.

It sounds like you’ve got the drive for this monk idea. The farming classes are a step towards that, but the painful step of leaving will have to be dealt with. Is it a decision you can make with her? One she can participate in?

It might make it easier to leave. As you observed she has needs as well, and giving her participation in events will make accepting them easier. She also might have valuable input having lived with you for some time. I can’t help but think the longer you put off talking to her about it the more pain you create for both of you.

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 2:05 am

You should read The Mindful Way through Depression by Mark Williams.

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 2:19 am

It’s only too bad you can’t say people don’t like you because you smell bad and you smell bad because your too depressed to shower because of the fact that no one likes you.

This is a situation easier to understand.

Your situation is just like this though so what now?

Black Holez 12/27/2018 - 2:23 am

Taking a shower is a choice. Being depressed, forcibly isolated and being anxious due to the chemicals firing up in our brains isn’t. Are you done with your empty platitudes now or do you need to say more in order to prove yourself right over the internet?

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 2:31 am

I don’t care about right or wrong but your never getting anywhere in life with a victim mentality. I have anxiety all the time. It tells me to run away from the people I want to hang out with. I used to get even more nervous to shake hands because they are always sweaty and clammy. I choose to stay and hang out or leave. I also choose to nod or wave instead of shake hands now.

When I was younger I was much like you.

I don’t care about right or wrong I’m simply trying to help and for that I don’t care to tell you what you want to hear. I’m telling you what I know.

Being depressed or not may not be a choice you can make right now but you could if you practice. What you do when you’re depressed is a choice too and seems easier to fix.

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 2:24 am

I’m just curious.

Do you believe that wallowing in misery will bring success?

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 2:51 am

Maybe you think your friends are the ones who should try and like the suicide comments or maybe try and hang with you in your misery huh? You think the world should change for you? You think they like all your depression any more than you do? They would probably help you but guess what….they can’t and neither can your doctors. You can if you want it. Maybe not 100% but something.

If you didn’t choose to chat here then nobody here would even know you and you wouldn’t have this space that you seem to like and I don’t want to ruin it for you. I want to wake you up. I want you to think on it and understand that you’re either a victim of circumstance or you make the choice to take some control. Take a bit of control today and tomorrow take a little more.

Damnit man! I want you to be happy and it’s not easy for any of us here but we shouldn’t hide from it.

We all make choices. What choices are you making?

Black Holez 12/27/2018 - 6:30 am

Lol you’re obviously an idiot if you think I choose not to be social, have no friends, have no job and in depression. You act as if there’s a magic button where you can just flip it all with a press of a button. It’s clear you don’t have a clue what some people are going through. You’re like the millionaire who says “hey just work hard and you’ll have your millions” despite being born with a silver spoon up his ass and didn’t have to work for it. But hey, whatever floats your boat. If being a big fake works for you, then good for you.

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 11:34 am

I’m not saying any of that but that’s all you want to hear.

Mouse 12/27/2018 - 7:17 am

I have to put on this fake confident front everyday. Obviously I don’t go around telling people my problems. Nobody cares. I have to hide it. I hate having to be fake but if I’m real I’ll just be stomped all over like a doormat.

And since people are like that, I write about my problems here. Mostly to vent actually but advice is welcomed πŸ˜›

Hey I had my toy brown fur mouse out the other day out in public. So as usual people can’t help but stare. Yawn.

PS everyone has spaces that they like, people gather here because they can relate. Doesn’t mean they have a ‘victim mentality’.

Anyway.
Again, I moved out with my mum a few months ago and that only happened because she had the means (she had a pension). We both got our stuff and shoved it in a taxi and left. We found a place, it was too expensive for long term. I went EVERYWHERE in the next few days asking if there was somewhere that we could stay. I do stuff for my mum cuz shes hearing impaired and has little English. So we did end up getting another place. And I started a small business (not doing so great now). And as for a job I went and asked around many places, I was unprepared as heck but I was hoping someone would give me a chance (had never worked before), I had the time and was willing to pay attention at work etc etc. I haven’t mentioned that here before btw. I have very short hours and they are irregular. Previously I had been with a controlling father for years upon years, ah yes that’s why me and mum left. NO it hasn’t been easy. I’ve been broke (completely) on one occasion as all money went on rent (mum paid) So i did some odd job (didn’t like it btw). And no i don’t like my job. And if this makes no sense well I’m half asleep

I guess I should start telling people to just go and do things! But if we are in the real world, that requires means to do so!

Mouse 12/27/2018 - 7:22 am

Oh and if it were as easy as ‘just doing things’ would anyone be here? πŸ˜›

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 11:41 am

It is that easy you just have to figure that out on your own I guess. Just like it’s easy to see there are no 1 in 4 odds on keno and if gambling was a way to make money no one would work a job.

And doing some things might definitely require means but I traveled the whole of the United states for 9 years broke. I climbed mountains in Colorado for 2 of those years all while not working or having cash.

Now I do agree that you can’t make it happen if you don’t choose to try. Same with being happy.

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