I could have a life I always wanted. And it would be so easy to get it. My whole life has been so fking easy. I know exactly what should I do to be happy. Get rid of my addictions, start socializing and learning. That is pretty much it. Not that hard is it? But I still wont do it. I could have everything I want.
I could go to the most prestigious collage in this country to study physics or math (in fact I could get there even with my current lifestyle but I am gonna drop out soon because of it). Im in last year of high school right now and Im doing just fine without learning anything ever. I just attend school and then I smoke weed and play video games. If I wanted to pass this collage I would need to change my lifestyle drastically. But I wont do it.
I could get confident by overcoming addiction, socialize and perhaps even find a girlfriend. But I wont do it.
Why do I hate myself so fking much? Why do I treat myself like a piece of shit? Its almost like I dont want a good life. I want to suffer like this instead. I am enjoying it. I keep asking myself why? Its maybe because of my upbringing. My dad just stuffed the idea that I suck and Im not worth it deep inside my head. So deep I cant get rid of it even if I am aware of it. I am always blaming my failure on my dad but I am sure he did like 10% and the rest is on me. Fuck me. I really am not worthy of a nice life.
5 comments
i think that you will continue this lifestyle because it’s easy for you, like you said. you still reach some standards in school etc with your routine. i’m in no place to tell you how to live, but maybe, just maybe you need to experience something bad happening to you, so you can see, that this kind of lifestyle is bad for you and your future.
or if you think that you don’t deserve it you won’t get it, you need to face yourself, that’s who stands in your way of being who you truly want to be. and it is hard, believe me, but when you face yourself, there’s no one who can destroy you. you are your worst enemy or your best friend. now it’s only your turn to choose what you want to be for yourself.
i hope you understand what i’m saying, and i hope i’m not pushy, i just want to help… :/ 🙂
Willpower issues is the problem. I used to have them too, and I needed outside help to get out of it. There’s kind of a male pride issue with getting help, but trial and error is the only way to solve anything. It’s not just running towards something it’s also running away. I had to be so desperate to get away from where I used to be, and then I had to want to get to my goal more than anything else.
*It isn’t just running towards a goal, it’s running away from the old lifestyle, the person you used to be.
Maybe you have been living for other people. Maybe its time for you to live for your self. What do you want? What do you like? Take a moment to consider that humans are selfish and take it to the extreme. Think about what that would look like for you. All family’s have a set order. What is your role? What will you do to set yourself free? Its also important to know that family will try to push you back into your role when you do decide to break loose. Some do it on purpose others do it unconsciously. Be selfish and determine what your heart wants. Best of luck!
I hope I don’t sound offensive in any way but it might be that this is your so-called ‘comfort zone’. anyway, things don’t just happen, they require strength, and its not as easy as just going and doing things. Maybe you have fears. But you have to overcome those fears and try…