2018 wasn’t an awful year for me. I had a lot of good experiences, achieved most of my goals, got my career back on track, increased my net worth, and didn’t experience any major health problems.
In spite of this, my mental health worsens with each passing year. And it will continue to deteriorate as long as I remain in a culture/society where:
- I have never felt any sense of belonging
- I am without a tribe or support system
- I am routinely treated worse than others
- I have no hope of ever attracting a woman
- I have to see others enjoy what I’ll never have
- I have no one to talk to IRL about these things
- I feel trapped in this utterly hopeless situation
I have tried distracting myself with self-improvement, careerism, travel, hobbies, mindless escapism, and heavy alcohol/drug consumption. None of that worked. Watching my youth slip away while never being able to overcome the aforementioned problems that have haunted me since the 1990s is a galactic void in my life that no amount of money, possessions, achievements, or experiences will ever be able to compensate for.
I reckon it’s only a matter of time before I either blow my head off with a shotgun or flee to an unpopulated area where I can escape everything that bothers me in this increasingly unbearable culture.