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I feel worse every year

by deathisnear

2018 wasn’t an awful year for me. I had a lot of good experiences, achieved most of my goals, got my career back on track, increased my net worth, and didn’t experience any major health problems.

In spite of this, my mental health worsens with each passing year. And it will continue to deteriorate as long as I remain in a culture/society where:

  • I have never felt any sense of belonging
  • I am without a tribe or support system
  • I am routinely treated worse than others
  • I have no hope of ever attracting a woman
  • I have to see others enjoy what I’ll never have
  • I have no one to talk to IRL about these things
  • I feel trapped in this utterly hopeless situation

I have tried distracting myself with self-improvement, careerism, travel, hobbies, mindless escapism, and heavy alcohol/drug consumption. None of that worked. Watching my youth slip away while never being able to overcome the aforementioned problems that have haunted me since the 1990s is a galactic void in my life that no amount of money, possessions, achievements, or experiences will ever be able to compensate for.

I reckon it’s only a matter of time before I either blow my head off with a shotgun or flee to an unpopulated area where I can escape everything that bothers me in this increasingly unbearable culture.

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19 comments

ADoseOfReality 12/29/2018 - 9:41 pm

What started the depression in the first place? What initial event made you feel this way about yourself?

deathisnear 12/29/2018 - 10:05 pm

I have had mostly negative experiences with other people for as long as I can remember. Others have always treated me like garbage unless they wanted something from me. Finding out that most people are this way everywhere in the world destroyed any hope I had of ever fitting in anyplace that is inhabited by other humans.

ADoseOfReality 12/29/2018 - 11:38 pm

What about you? How are you treating yourself?

deathisnear 12/30/2018 - 12:27 am

I have always tried to treat myself well as a counterbalance to other people mistreating me throughout my life. This sometimes provides a temporary respite from my otherwise nightmarish existence, but cannot fully eradicate the overwhelming discontentment that stems from living in such an openly hostile, judgmental, discriminatory, and predatory society like this one. Physically removing myself from such a psychologically-damaging environment, whether by suicide or disappearance, is the only way that I could permanently overcome my lifelong misery. As it stands, I only get small doses of relief whenever I retreat into secluded wilderness areas, but its effects quickly wear off when I return to this dejecting society that has beaten me down for three decades and counting.

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/30/2018 - 12:04 am

I’ve always wanted to end my life with blowing my head off with a shotgun so I like your post. I didn’t want to live past 12 but now I am 24 and still unable to get a shotgun to blow off my head. I had a shotgun once but I have creepy stalkers who snitch on me. They took it like it was valueless and not my life goal and not my only 350$ I’d had in 4 years,.. I told myself 18 would be the very maximum age I would live so I’ve been desperately trying to kill myself since 18 because now I am 24 and it’s been really horrible for me since 12 years.

deathisnear 12/30/2018 - 12:56 am

I was also 12 when I first had suicidal thoughts. Decades have passed since then and I still haven’t gone through with it because of myriad reasons (mainly blind hopefulness, fear of dying, fear of being rendered a vegetable from an unsuccessful attempt, and not wanting to leave my family devastated). My will to live has declined with age, so I’m not as hesitant to pull the trigger as I was in the past.

Shotguns are relatively easy to obtain in the U.S. if you’re from there. I simply went to a sporting goods store and told the clerk that I was looking for a 12-gauge shotgun for home defense.

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/31/2018 - 2:35 pm

Lucky you! I’m looking for a partner like that but can’t do that on here. I’ve been saying the wrong things to the wrong people because 1. I was young 2. I was naive. 3. They coaxed it out of me.
It was someone I didn’t even trust.
Now I’ve been in the mental hospital just about every year since then , then they started putting me in jail. I used to think I’d get my PhD to go into medical science now I can’t leave my room and I’m terrified of doctors. Now I’m terrified of everything.

I didn’t know then that if they put you in mental hospital you can never purchase guns from the sporting store. I try to find normal people on private sales that aren’t control obsessed and do not have religious psychosis and aren’t so up in everyone’s business to anonymously sell me this gun. I’ve done that once before but the control obsessed followed me and took it before I could kill myself just a few short hours later. (I had been waiting to commit for 10 years…) XD

I no longer see any difference between committing suicide and choosing to live because my life is so dull, pathetic and just f*cked up that it wouldn’t be depressing if I die. I have no family or friends and I’ve just been waiting to commit for 13 years.

I used to create my own happiness but then I started getting followed.

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/31/2018 - 2:46 pm

Lucky you! I accidentally told the wrong people about my suicide ideation because 1. I was young 2. naive and 3. it was pretty much coaxed out of me. Sadly it was someone I never trusted. Now I can’t do what I always expected I’d do and just walk in the store and buy a shotgun. I have to go through private sales and try to find normal f*cking people who wont rat on you, aren’t control obsessed, aren’t disturbed, aren’t in religious life pushing psychosis, because of my past hospitalizations. Like I said, I’ve been trying to commit for 13 years, but I prefer gunshot because that is my original plan that I’m of course in love with and wouldn’t give up for anything in the world.. now I’ve been in the mental hospital about every year since until they started taking me to big boy jail at 21.

I used to want to get a PhD in medical science until I was traumatized from my hospital stays. Now I am terrified of doctors and terrified of most everything.

Staying alive to me doesn’t even matter anymore and it’s out of the question. My life is so dull, pathetic, f*cked up that’s it’s like I’m not even here. I’ve never had anything good in my life. To me the most beautiful thing is my suicide goal and the day that I blow out my brains. Why someone wants to stand between me and my suicide is beyond me because I don’t know, it’s my life is all.

And the retarded bullsh*t they make me do because of my desire to end my life is so wrong. I feel like I’ll always be trapped here with the freaks, the people who are not good enough, loony and not all the way there.

Black Holez 12/30/2018 - 12:44 am

We’re proof that things never get any better. Aside from having no job, we’re kinda in the same boat. I have desperately tried to reach out to people but to no avail. People have treated me like trash without any rhyme and reason. Any people I befriend are put off whenever my depression and anxiety kicks in. I don’t know what to do or where to go. It’s like I don’t belong on this earth. Were it not for my gf, I would’ve ended it already or went to a monastery and spend my remaining days there never to be seen in society again.

deathisnear 12/30/2018 - 1:15 am

What type of monk did you consider becoming? Buddhist? Catholic or Orthodox Christian?

I seriously contemplated becoming a monk after graduating from college because I thought it would be a better alternative to corporate wageslavery for the subsequent 40-50 years. Now I’m opposed to the idea because of how difficult it would be to escape monastic life after making a lifetime commitment. I would rather be a standard hermit living far away from other people — or living with a small group of likeminded people who I’ve known for a long time. I don’t feel like I belong in this society, but would be more “in my element” in a scenic, uninhabited place.

Black Holez 12/30/2018 - 1:53 am

I’ve considered becoming a Benedictine monk since I come from a predominantly Catholic country. You’re right, it’s difficult to escape monastic living once you reach a certain age and become entrenched in it but honestly, anything is better than living in this. I feel trapped and unable to move in life. My home has become my prison. I feel trapped in the four corners of my room with no way out. Living in a community and being part of a group seems far more ideal than living alone with no way out.

deathisnear 12/30/2018 - 8:10 am

I have visited Benedictine and Buddhist monasteries on different continents and enjoyed the serenity they offered. While I wouldn’t want to live in one for the rest of my life, I understand the appeal. You get to permanently escape the hectic rat race in favor of a simpler lifestyle, you don’t have to worry about everyday living expenses because everything is covered, and like you said, you get to be part of a small community that shares the same beliefs.

Feeling trapped in your room, house, or town is unbearably depressing. It makes you feel like you are wasting your life away. I know this because I feel exactly the same way right now. The only thing that keeps me going is saving up for a rural/wilderness domicile and temporary getaways.

deathisnear 12/30/2018 - 8:15 am

Here’s a video showing the Benedictine monastery in New York State that I visited a little over ten years ago. I’ll never forget how quiet the main “prayer room” was where some of the monks were praying.

Black Holez 12/30/2018 - 9:31 pm

This is true. The hectic rat race, the constant monotony of every day corporate living, and people rubbing it in your face that they now are on top of the food chain makes you want to forget it all, retreat to a faraway place and live on your own. But of course, since we’re humans living alone and being lonely is no way to live either. That’s why I’ve always fantasized about leaving everything behind and join a monastic order so I can have that inner peace and serenity I’ve been looking for in my life. The only thing holding me back is my gf of 13 years. If it weren’t for her, I would have already joined the monastic orders in a heartbeat.

Black Holez 12/30/2018 - 9:33 pm

Love that video. It reminds me of the serene day-to-day living of the monks. Benedictines may not take a vow of silence but they do have that serene atmosphere to them.

CrypticVeins 12/30/2018 - 2:05 am

Wouldn’t it be nice if such a group existed? Found each other. Then lived away from it all.
Same minded people. The more time that passes the more I realize I need it. I’ve got to find my people. The ones like us.

deathisnear 12/30/2018 - 7:52 am

Absolutely! I have felt this way for years. Alas, I have found that most people don’t want to take concrete action. For example, homesteading was suggested on another online community that I used to frequent. I offered tens of thousands of dollars in hopes of getting the ball rolling. No one else volunteered to put up any of their own money towards our proposed commune. They just came up with excuses as to why it would never work, so the idea swiftly died. I have since given up on getting other people on board with this idea and have instead started my own “wilderness retreat fund” that now has over $50k USD in it. My hope is to secure a property in the next few years — assuming I haven’t offed myself before then — because I cannot be a part of this vile culture for much longer.

CrypticVeins 12/31/2018 - 5:21 am

Agreed. People can talk all they want, but taking action on those thoughts is a whole new ball game. I’d do it, if I found my niche. My people. I’m to the point where i’d just leave, without much to my name. But idk where to go. Society and government have sucked all those options out on purpose, they need us to stay controlled. They need us to think it’s impossible to get out. And then they feed that shit to society, and we automatically believe it, and SHUN those who don’t. Its absolutely fucked. And it only gets worse. People like us have to get out while we can. One way or another.

CrypticVeins 12/30/2018 - 2:07 am

Making a living with a group of people you feel at home with is a whole hell of a lot better than getting sucked into society’s machine.

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