And I slowly start to think that theres maybe no solution for this and that would make many things a lot more comlicated.
The Problem for that I can’t find a solution is following:
(..I’m not sure if this post is suitable for this website, but I will just try to post it)
The Question is, how can I get to a point, on that I have no relation with my family anymore. At the moment I think it isn’t important how I got to this point, but that’s the only problem that is left to just leave. I really don’t want, that anyone has negative feelings, when I don’t be here anymore. And my family is the last group of persons, that contact me.
I thought about something like: Create a “perfect” live, that is unfortunately far away and anyone knows that and maybe my family believes that and knows, that everything is fine on my site but i just don’t want to have to do anything with them anymore.
I never wrote that down and it seems ridiculous, that this is really everything I could think about the last months. Or better: I started trying to build that Illusion, but it doesn’t work that well.
I know, that they will always feel some kind of negative emotions. But I thought, that I maybe can reduce that to a minimum level? So that they know, that I’m fine, but busy and on the other side of the world.
What if: I create a few prepared cards, that will be sent on important days? But paper gets old and i can’t react properly, if they send something back.
Maybe EMails are a better way. I could create some kind of bot, that reacts to emails, but gets more and more inactive. I just have to have one email address left as a communication channel.
(I already prepared to delete everything I’ve done online)
This bot must be extremely good.
I’m sorry for writing nonsense. I just can’t find a solution to go, without either hurting/traumatizing my family or waiting for years. (Until my parents eventually died and my sister/brother have their own independent lives without me)
I don’t want to wait anymore. That sounds so ridiculous also.
English isn’t my first language but i assume that even in my first language it would also sound bad.
If anyone asks themself, what about my friends or other persons in my life beside my family: theres noone anymore. School is over since a couple years (no contacts) and at university it’s possible to be completely alone.
I just don’t want to hurt anyone.
Maybe a Accident.
They will maybe have a guilty conscience for the rest of their lives, if they find out, that I have done this to myself. But when I was just unlucky and at the wrong place and the wrong time? It would hurt them also really much, but I think they wouldn’t have a guilty conscience (at least if the accident wasn’t dependennt of their actions)
Maybe the army is a option? But i don’t think so. It’s impossible that they will select me and they will notice, that something is wrong with me and don’t let me go to any conflicts.
So.. what if theres no solution. No way to go without hurting someones feelings. i hope thats not true. That scares me.
Would the lives of my siblings change in a more positive way, if they would know that im gone? Maybe. But that’s not sure. I would think they would be more aware of everything. Maybe they will live better lives with that knowledge?
Please excuse me for that post. Now, after i wrote it down and after reading it, it sounds like completely nonsense. But the problem is still, that i believe, that it is the right direcetion for a solution. I completely isolated myself around a year ago, but i still try to create the illusion, that everyting is right. But at the same time, i distance myself myself.
I hope that will make any decicion in the future easier for me.
Tomorrow is a family meeting and maybe because of that I started to think about this topic again.
What about the other family members beside my parents and siblings?: they are all unknown to me and my siblings. My parents moved to a city that far away from every other familymember and because of that we didn’t visited them often. And because of that we have nothing to do with each other and it’s sure, that my siblings and i will totally lose every contact, when my parents are gone.
idk. im sorry. i just don’t want to do this anymore. and i think i hope, that anyone here has maybe a solution how to disappear without anyone noticing.
3 comments
Dont really know any advice. I tried killing myself in my car to make it look like an accident but… still here as you can see. They walk on eggshells around me now because they know how depressed i am. Me personally, it doesent bother me that i would hurt anyone else if i killed myself. I want to die, and its my life. They would feel bad but i dont care. I know its selfish, but its just how i feel.
It’s kind of hard to still be technically your parents child and a sibling when you are in reality, an empty shell. I assume the same, they never cared much to begin with and I don’t hold it against them because that is a good thing in my case, for me it’s a long process but slowly over time decrease contact to it is all but minimal to none and just blame it on idk, disinterest?. I went a step ahead I always hoped I’d move far away but it’s seeming incapable for me to do so with such psychological torture I face, one day I will have enough money to buy my way out – presumably – and to make it easier on myself I will try to make it easy on myself because they always unleash the hounds of h*ll on me, if I am capable I will disown myself from the family ties -if not for those folks, I could have been long moved on by now- but because it’s the same stupid sh*t year after year, under grounds of a wish for independence under an overcontrolling head and change my name, then the freedom is mine and my life is mine to live and they can no longer ‘own’ me. It seems you still care about your parents and siblings so that is fine and dandy, it might be hard for them, but this is about more than just you and them.
You know I don’t belong with them is the matter, I always accepted I would die before my parents, but at least it is in my power to do so, at least it could be