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My Life Cannot Be Salvaged

by deathisnear

I am an irreparably broken person. The residual psychological effects of my traumatic upbringing will never fully subside. Every time I go out in public, my anxieties intensify because I feel like I am being judged by everyone around me. Every rejection I receive, whether subtle or overt, reinforces my feelings of inferiority and worthlessness that were mercilessly drilled into me during my critical formative years. Even though I am no longer subjected to the constant verbal and physical abuse that I received between 6th and 12th grade, I continue to suffer everyday and don’t think I will ever be able to crawl myself out of this bottomless pit of hopelessness and despair. What should have been the best years of my life are now squarely in the rearview mirror, and now all I have to look forward to is regret consuming me on the inside while the aging process takes its toll on the outside.

My life was a colossal mistake that needs to be corrected. The longer I wait, the more anguished I will become. If I had known what my situation would be like today, I would have jumped off that tower when I was 14. There is no reason for me to be alive. None whatsoever. The few people remaining in my life, which decreases every year, will have to live without me.

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mountaingoat 12/2/2018 - 6:38 pm

How old are you?

deathisnear 12/2/2018 - 6:41 pm

36. The best years of my life are over, and they weren’t even that good. It’s all downhill from here if I continue to live.

Black Holez 12/2/2018 - 9:56 pm

I’m also in my 30s, 33 to be exact. My dreams, my life and my needs have been shattered. All that’s left is pain and suffering with choices that entails doing extremes in losing people or losing myself. I don’t think I can live another 30 years of my life like this unless help comes and takes me out of it. If there was a way to end my life painlessly, I think I would’ve done it already. That or shutting myself from the outside world by becoming a monk in some monastery never to be seen by the world again.

deathisnear 12/3/2018 - 5:09 am

I considered joining a monastery after graduating from university, and even visited one to get an idea of what it would be like, but ultimately decided that I didn’t want to remain trapped somewhere for the rest of my life.

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/2/2018 - 10:01 pm

Same.. I can’t say any of the years past 14 and, even before, have been even remotely worthwhile .. most of my prayers are to god for death since around 14. I have nothing stopping me from committing suicide but I stick around (for the meantime) because I have nothing awaiting me in living life, but there is also nothing awaiting me after death, death is like the pain reliever when the torment becomes too large of a load to carry.. I also feel like what were supposed to be the best years of my life have been wasted 22-24, I have been trapped in a basement bedroom with no way to leave, simultaneously being sexually abused. My only options to commit suicide or run away (2 feet).. I ignore it the best I can.. but I couldn’t leave therefore I couldn’t attend college.. I was trying to get CDL and drive trucks now I’m trapped in a basement and most of the time creeps are stalking me, attacking me physically or sexually .. I haven’t moved two inches in two years so I’m basically smoking myself to death in thousands of cigarettes before I pull the plug..which I’ve been trying to pull for 6-12 years, just waiting for the right moment.. always have to sneak past the creeps

deathisnear 12/3/2018 - 5:17 am

Wow, I don’t even know what to say. Is there anything that you (or anyone here) could do to help you escape that hellish situation in which you find yourself? And if you don’t mind me asking, how did you manage to access the internet while being trapped in a basement?

Getting a CDL and subsequently working as an OTR trucker was also something that I considered, but gave up on the idea after reading some of the horror stories of how trucking industry employees are worked like dogs and mistreated.

AgentQ 12/2/2018 - 11:28 pm

6th to 12th grade was a bad time for me too

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/4/2018 - 12:52 am

Not that it was bad, it was just when I decided I’d never want to live and if there was a way to die instead I would choose that at every opportunity.. I’ve been trying to kill myself for 12 years… I’m getting around to it, it shouldn’t be much longer

dancingwithdeath 12/3/2018 - 3:05 am

That’s totally me, I should have finished myself off long ago instead of creating more regrets!!!

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