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No Reasons

by Teresa's Child

This is a pretty old, standard gripe that most people on this site have, but I have it too so I’ll post about it anyway. My list of reasons to live is small at best, perhaps even nonexistent.

I have no aim, no prospects, no hopes, no dreams, no desires. I’m a misanthrope, worthless, stupid, weak, and an overall waste of space.

Everything has passed me by, and I am left behind without a place in the world. Nothing interests me. I have no motivation. Every morning, I pray to die.

I cannot connect to my surroundings, everyone and everything seems like an illusion. People’s concerns, people’s life stories, it’s all meaningless to me. It’s like being trapped in some virtual reality where everything seems…off. You can’t quite place your finger on it, but things seem written, like all your interactions are with scripted NPC’s created by a 5 year old.

These days more then ever, I question what lies in my own heart. Is there anything worthwhile in there, or was it all just a waste of time?

Today I was working — I like to go to a quiet place during the midday, if I have independent work to do. I saw one of my co-workers, a Muslim, was already there, praying. He was standing there in the dark (the room was not well lit), murmuring to himself and kneeling occasionally. I watched him, and just felt so strange. He was this slightly fat, middle-aged man, probably 10-20 years older then me, and he looked so tired and worn out…and so serious. Like he had some real meaning in his life, in that moment.

Watching him made me feel empty. Perhaps that’s the kind of faith someone needs to make it through to middle age? I don’t know.

I’ve been at the top of the world, and I’ve been at the bottom. I’ve lost to useless people, and I’ve beaten some of the best people, at various things that I’ve put my mind and body to, at various stages of my life. Competition loses it’s meaning when there’s no end goal. Maybe if someone robbed me, or shot me, or there was some sort of conflict, I would feel alive, and motivated again. But right now, there’s no reason to even get out of bed.

I’m trapped.

I don’t know. At some point during my childhood, I was convinced that independence was the key to finding happiness. I didn’t realize that people changed so much. Maybe as an independent child, I would have been happy. But “growing up” is a really heartbreaking thing. Things keep changing, and changing, and changing, until there’s no reason to hold onto anything anymore.

I’m good at X? So what? Soon X will be meaningless. Soon I’ll be bad at X, if I grow older, or if I stop practicing. And if I spend all my time practicing, then X is just an escape, a diversion. So why practice?

I used to think it was important to be strong. But now it’s not so clear. Nothing is clear.

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6 comments

NO FATE 12/3/2018 - 11:18 pm

I like your post, I literally could have written it myself. I feel identical to what you have described. A complete lack of motivation to pursue meaningless crap that others find important. If WW3 were to occur, and money and jobs and loans and houses and taxes and shopping and advertising and all the bullshit no longer mattered, merely survival…everyone as equals, I would feel more comfortable on Earth…like I fit better. The world as it is now, how it operates, is foreign to me. I don’t belong. It’s like I’d rather be in a different time, or on a different planet; somewhere where my existence actually mattered. This can’t be all there is to life…this existence is embarrassing even. I can imagine so many different existences on so many different levels in the universe. What humans have created for ourselves to live in is literally hell on Earth.

Teresa's Child 12/3/2018 - 11:36 pm

Thanks for the response @no-fate . I completely agree with the WW3 example. I guess this is what happens when humanity just reacts to every single potential discomfort. We solve all our problems, and what’s left is a gaping nothingness.

Optimus 12/4/2018 - 1:17 am

There are plenty of third world countries with active warzones! Instead of wishing war upon people who really don’t want it (I don’t), be a volunteer for the Peace Corps or something in one of those countries.

I for one am not going to complain about my comfortable middle-class existence.

Teresa's Child 12/4/2018 - 11:05 am

Thanks for the response! I’ve actually been looking at joining the Peace Corps — probably not immediately, but I am looking at different ways to go into a new stage of my life. There’d be some financial matters to sort out before taking such a large step, but we’ll see. It’s definitely an option.

I appreciate the honesty of your response 🙂

NO FATE 12/5/2018 - 4:36 am

Optimus, you are missing the point. Its not about wishing war upon us, its about wishing for a different existence. One that renders mute all the pretentious, greedy, selfish, meaningless people living in this rat race that people are so wrapped up in. Now whether it takes a war, or an ice age, or an invasion by fucking aliens to change it, I’m all for it. People spend their entire existence in life consumed with money and its pursuit. Do you think you would give one shit about your job if nuclear bombs began to fall? Or say you won the lottery? Then why should it matter otherwise?

AgentQ 12/6/2018 - 12:01 am

Definitely one of the biggest mysterious for me in life. How some people…most people…just have this natural, internal sense of purpose and motivation. Not that they are actually any different (for instance there are thousands of religions that say mutually exclusive thing so at minimum most are wrong) but the reward system of their brain functions in such a way in conjunction with their personality that they can continue to generate forward motivation for future endeavors and as they succeed they built egos and identifies to corral these systems and form a normal functioning human being.

Whatever allows this to happen in most people i assume pertains to the brain and genetics and environment.

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