Hi, back on this web site again. Weirdly though, it is the first time ever that I am not suicidal. I am facing a lot of challenges this time of year, flashbacks, nightmares, feelings that my body is decomposing and all those PTSD delights that come with the 16 th anniversary of me being raped . Even greater it happened only shortly after my 6th birthday, so that each birthday brings me close to what happened. Also my family is not helping. My stepfather is a narcissist that likes to remember me that I am a piece of shit and my mom made it clear that I am uninteresting and lazy and that she doesn’t want me to tell her when I am feeling bad. I don’t hate her, she suffers from depression too, but it has been tough for me to realize that she chose to close her eyes, and let me suffer over and over when I needed her the most.
But I also have friends, dreams and an amazing little sister. I have people who love me and a possibly better future ahead. If I live, if I really choose to live, then I don’t want to continue to waste my time stuck in my past. It is time for me to forgive and move on.
I am almost 22, I am old enough to be my own parent now. I have enough great people around me to create the family I always seeked. I will turn 22 next week and I survived 16 years of shame, loneliness and despair, so I will find strength to survive 2019, not to please anyone, or because I feel guilty, just because I want to.
6 comments
“But I also have friends, dreams and an amazing little sister. I have people who love me and a possibly better future ahead. ”
And this is the only thing that you’ll ever need. If you have great social support, then counting your blessings to have them in your life is a great start. It’s unfortunate but some people don’t have that. Hell, I’d yearn for social support and a group of people you can call a community any day of the week.
You sound like a strong individual to me.
Just because you want to….Hell yeah! Do it for you!
If your mother is depressed too then she probably doesnt want to see you suffer. Maybe she was busy working on her own depression and didnt know how to help because she didnt know how to even help herself. Those who are depressed can only get better if they choose to help themselves. It’s good to see that you’ve chosen to help yourself.
What happened when you were six?
An ex of my mom hurt me real bad. For what I remember he at least abused of me sexually and forced me to do stuff. I then have a big black hole and then I have a very invasive memory hundreds of times a day of me being “half dead” meaning not being able to move or even able to blink while he moves my shoulders and begs me not to be dead, to cut the shit and that he is sorry. So yeah I was most likely raped that night
I have like 700 memories of falling asleep to the sound of pornography from my dad’s computer in the next room over.. from the age of 7 to 15.
Any how, I also have the recollection of feeling something go in me, push me a little 2x, while in a dream, I was being chased by a man and when he caught me at the bottom he r*ped me and that was when I felt that pressure. It was like a dream of Michael Jackson (who at the time was being accused of a lot of child molestation) then I woke up and I never took off my pants, but I’m only in my underwear and my pants are on the floor next to me. I don’t remember if those were the same occasion or not. I was about 9?
Also there was an occasion a teenager about 8 years older than me when I was 7 or 8 years old jumped on top of me when I was lying on the couch after school and started to roughly dry hump me because he thought it was funny