The date keeps getting pushed back. Now I am rather neck deep but keeping my head above, just enough to not lose consciousness. I have lots on my plate, a lot of scary things, I have no control but all I can hope is for the best. I do not want the best though, only something that isn’t completely horrifying. I’m still trembling in fear of the absolute worst. If you’d have ever asked a younger me if I thought it would be this bad, I would have laughed and said, “You’re worrying for no reason, everything will be fine.” I guess the creeping sensation I would get was a warning and I had every right to be wary, every right to question leaving before it got much much worse.
I find myself in the state now, like I am incapable of action. This has been a problem for me for it seems about a year and some months. The last time I peeked my head above the tide, was when I walked to the cliff that I wrote about on here. I seem unable to go out and face the day. Yet I am also unable to end my life despite the misery. I try to build myself up, hoping I can go back to the person I once was who was capable of action. Even if the action was only to commit. Now I simply do not matter, I am covered in dust, I am wholly disconnected. I have to convince myself each day that I even exist.
I try not to worry, but if I can write then at least I can see my last days as not completely wasted. I only appear on here when I am in complete agony.
I come to find that I view here trying to find someone else who has wrote my story and have written it completely and full enough for me to feel satisfied with it. My dissatisfaction apprehends me when I see, it is nothing of mine own that it is not my word.
With my inability to act, I try to find something here that really touches me and forces me into movement, something that will come to tell me, me personally, some feeling of higher power that will explain it all to me. That will tell me it is time to act. That I don’t have to worry any longer and that it is my time to follow him home.
Until then, I will sadly have to get in line and follow along with the mortals to more unsatisfaction.
I have not writ the laws of nature and I do not try to play God. My words previously condemned that no one will assist one in ending the life and that it is in one’s hands to get the job done. If I am correct, then why am I incapable of action? Am I too traumatized to act? Do I really want the mortals to control my life?