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Reparation has come

by alina_01

Life has sucked significantly so this last year or so. From failing an exam and not being able to do what I got my degree in to working at an awful place. I decided that I wanted to enter the new year without any of the negativity. So I decided to quit that job that made me so unhappy. And as life had it that awful slime ball boss was treated like the trash he treated everyone else like and the owner fired him. Instant karma. I can now focus on studying to retake the exam and pass it third time is the charm right? I officially ended the situationship that was going on for over 4 years, there has been absolutely no contact. Strange enough I met this guy back in the beginning of November and he literally is like a great guy. The catch is I found out that he is 15 years older than me! And he lives with his mom but she is disabled and he does take care of her but still weird right? I won’t allow myself to like him or anything it feels so wrong he’s so old but he doesn’t look it. I think it’s all bringing up trauma from the past. Being sexually molested as a child and when I was a young adult. Because of this I have a constant internal battle with myself the part of me that enjoys sex and craves intimacy and the part of me that is repulsed by anything sexual. I don’t know how to feel or what to do I just know that this man is the kindest man ever and he thinks the world of me.

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Cause of Death: Suicide 12/30/2018 - 4:13 am

I wouldn’t have sexual contact with him, it’s in your right to be repulsed by sexual contact it’s your body trying to tell you that it’s not something you should be doing. Doesn’t mean you won’t be good friends, but you also don’t have to do the big nasty to be lovers, idk, it’s all objective

Soda 12/30/2018 - 7:51 am

I love karma, seeing bad people get their comeuppance is very satisfying. There were some rotten apples at my previous job who eventually were let go or left. But the place itself wasn’t great, to begin with, so I was happy when I was also able to get out of there also.

As for the guy you mentioned that’s up to you. Some guys look after their mother because no one else will and putting them in a nursing home is costly plus bad things can happen to them there.

Do keep in mind all guys come with some kind of baggage. If they’re attractive, single they could also be cheaters or be abusive, or have debt, health issues that you don’t know about, etc just as an example. So it’s good to know their whole story first.

Additionally, because of your past trauma, any man will give you those contradictory emotions, so it’s something you’d need to work through. I have heard that some women have been able to overcome the bad experiences once they’ve been with a nice man. So perhaps it could be a good thing for you but to go slowly in the beginning.

one_day 1/4/2019 - 8:02 pm

Hello. I remember you. good on you for quitting the job and getting out of the terrible relationship.
I haven’t been on this site for years. I was just planning to lurk and not comment. But I feel the need to speak up because Cause of Death gave you terrible advice.
Sexuality is a complicated thing, and if you find someone repulsive of course you shouldn’t force sex. However, in context of your history, I don’t know how much of the repulsion is to do with trauma. I feel bad for any sexual abuse victim, because sexuality can be a great gift, but yours has been taken away and perverted and that is so unfair it makes my heart break. i hope one day that you can reclaim your sexuality, and experience the positives of it without the internal conflict you have. Good luck.

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