Same shit, same roller-coaster

It’s been 4 years that I wasn’t in a mental institution, I m not hospitalized yet but I know where it is going. I ve been through this it wasn’t the same doctors or nurses or whatever but they are kind of all the same really. No doubt their intentions are good but they see depressed people in only one way on a fucking scale described by the DSM. Don’t get me wrong I wanna get better. Today I woke up suicidal, then ultra motivated, then euphoric, then suicidal again, then paranoid then cynical. And that’s just my average day. I know I’m clinically depressed but help doesn’t mean being numbed by meds and patronized. Because that wouldn’t be feeling better that would only be feeling less, being less of a person and more of a sickness. And I hate that argument that says that if I don’t want it it’s just that I’m irrational or that I m not that bad. I want to be a better person not an assisted nut job you pity. We all die one day. And if the only to prevent me from suicide is being reduced to a zombie then no thanks. I d rather continue on my roller-coaster life and take my chances. I d rather suffer tremendously and still have something of a life, even if this life lasts 2 weeks, than being reduced to less than human for decades.