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Still think about suicide

Why do I exist can someone just kill me please or give me the resources to do it because I don’t like having to exist in this world I guess people really want you to live in this world so they can just profit off of you or keep you around for whatever reason sure I probably won’t attempt suicide a second time but I do want to die still what is the purpose of my life?!

Sure, will stay alive for whatever reason but I just can’t die I guess yet there really is no one here that is willing to kill me in this world.

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PatheticMale 12/26/2018 - 3:31 pm

Hi bro. I wish I could help you with your situation. I know this feeling very well. The feeling of just wanting to die but not wanting to commit suicide. I wonder if some lucky suicidal people ever actually die by accident or something.

SuicidalThoughtsButRefuseToKillMyself 12/26/2018 - 3:41 pm

Good question your picture on an earlier post but I think I just have either too much time or just haven’t found the best way to deal with life only tried to kill myself once alcohol and some of the past led to the Benadryl for the first attempt but I am more or less better Christmas wasn’t too bad but I am just wondering how long will I live for and how will I die I want out of this body and mind but it just won’t happen life is just not going to let me die unless I try a another attempt but I will just keep on living until something greater happens.

PatheticMale 12/26/2018 - 3:49 pm

Yea man. Just keep going and perhaps things will get better. I really hope so. BTW what question?

cohw77 12/26/2018 - 3:40 pm

I feel the same way most days. I dunno if it helps knowing you’re not alone but yeah.

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/26/2018 - 3:56 pm

Hello. I have heard of suicide by cop some argue against it because of I don’t know, maybe, that is “traumatizing” to the police. With personal experience with the police, and endless videos watched on police killing citizens and other violences by cop, I would assume that it is to be not too hard to get a cop to kill you. You’d probably simply have to wave a knife around, and yell at him with a wrath before he pulls his weapon. It will also help if you have a mental diagnosis, because then they can justify the killing as some mental defective was acting psycho so I shot him dead. I also don’t know why I am not allowed to check out. I don’t expect someone to kill me, but I used to “delusionally” expect maybe some acquaintance or stranger might understand my suffering enough to allow me the tools to complete a clean suicide and not look down on me as a lesser human for opting out. I was very young then though, it was when I was 17 and about to turn 18 but too afraid to go in the gun store to buy my own in fear I would be sold out to cop under “suspicion.” I used to fantasize, like drug dealers do things undercover, that I could get someone to deal me a gun, I’d provide the money, they would run into the store, buy the weapon and I’d drop them off the corner by their place. Then I would have to suffer no longer. They could continue their life as normal.

Unfortunately, I was sold out to the cops many many times, I couldn’t even bring myself to attempt to go in the gun store. It seemed like I was always being watched anything I did, like someone always had to comment about me in a negative way in order to get me in trouble. Kind of like law enforcement is a higher power that they believe in. Once, I bought a knife at Walmart and someone I had NEVER even seen or met said it was “probably because I was going to stab somebody or myself.” Then because I was crying in my car they sent the police and I was arrested for the first time. They told the police, direct quote, that “I said I NEEDED to stab someone.” I didn’t say anything to the woman other than look through an ad and ask where I could find the knives. It was a 35$ pocket knife, by the way. As I was arrested, a fat lady sat and stared at me as she divulged in a bag of chips.

I’ve been thinking on and off of providing services to the suicidal. I’ve thought maybe I could be a driver and drive partners together. Or maybe I could help in assisting the suicidal, but right now I am under court mandate that I cannot leave my basement in pursuit of anything, good or evil.

I am disappointed to still be alive. My date to commit was set at August 1, 2012. I was very determined to finish the job. I couldn’t get the gun. I used to study into Physician Assisted Suicide because even though I was 17, I begged and begged that my life would be over. I quickly come to find out even if I needed assisted suicide you have to be old and physically ill within I think 6 months of death, Sometimes I justify my request with, I’m usually always 6 months away from committing, anyhow. because I look at it like an As Soon As Possible deal, but now that I am so far past my suicide day it is very hard.

SuicidalThoughtsButRefuseToKillMyself 12/26/2018 - 11:45 pm

Truth be told being 27 years old guy and going through this alcohol and drug treatment sure it has helped me a lot with my problems and all but the reality is I just don’t want to live with this genetic structure being an Indonesian American my existence is nothing but a joke to people I won’t being able to commit suicide due to family and friends but again I still have suicidal thoughts every day oh me talking to myself is just something I do and I don’t see that to be a problem but the reality is my life is just a waste site my life is great and all that bullshit but honestly I don’t think I will die the whole suicide by cop it won’t work too much of a coward or whatever bullshit people say to me which just makes me want to kill myself even more I don’t understand why I have to be alive for other people I get it it is selfish and all suicide to me is not a sin I wish I was dead because I don’t believe I will ever live up to be something in this world but when I think of dying I think about what is the best way to do it.

Truth is anyone who makes fun of me just because of my genetic structure makes me either pissed or makes me want to kill myself even more ego and pride sure I wish I got rid of my own but some folks need to look in the mirror and self reflect off of themselves but the reality for as long as I am alive I will always want to die sorry I don’t believe in a god I would but the evidence or faith or lack of either one hasn’t convinced me that there is a god sure there could be one but there is too many from Allah all the way down to Zeus which one is mine? Oh, the one few many that a human told me about? God only seems to exist because people say so I don’t believe in the basis of the word of a human they are the ones who make me want to kill myself in the first place why should I trust humanity the species that kill their own and claim for God or for none or whatever reason or lack of reason we kill with words, by the pen, and by the sword or gun whatever tools we use from nature and science and technology we kill either way but they haven’t killed me I can’t even kill myself I question my existence and suicidal thoughts always exist in my own damn brain why would such a “loving god” create such thoughts in the first place or by what devil would exist they all come from us from within and without just please kill me peacefully but we all know that won’t happen we have to do it ourselves and I tried once and I don’t think I can attempt suicide ever again.

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/27/2018 - 2:34 am

What happened the first time you committed, was it traumatic? Why can you not attempt again? Were you caught?

SuicidalThoughtsButRefuseToKillMyself 12/27/2018 - 9:24 am

No because once the panic sets in the regret sets in and survival instincts kick back in and if my mom didn’t text me about my shoe size I wouldn’t have coward my way out I took the wrong sleeping pills and now I don’t know the best way to die other than a shotgun which I don’t have all the ways I can think of are more or less painful.

SuicidalThoughtsButRefuseToKillMyself 12/26/2018 - 4:09 pm

@patheticmale it depend on what do you mean by what question I was referring to “I wonder if some lucky suicidal people die by some accident or something” funny this is I thought about that too sometimes I just imagine myself dying in certain ways or maybe by someone else out of mercy or by using something that kills me painlessly but of course life doesn’t always go that way I still want to die but I don’t really want to tell others about mainly on here because here I think folks understand more or less.

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