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The gnawing feeling of death

by DarkTide

It has been almost 2 years that I last wrote here on the suicide project.

I decided back then that writing here was causing me more harm than good.

Well, I was wrong. I was just sick of screaming at people who were going to the same existence as myself.

Sitting back and pouring out my feelings to people who may be going through a harsher reality than myself.

So why am I back here again you may wonder? Well, the truth is I didn’t know who else to go to.

It has been a week since I attempted suicide. Nothing major. I didn’t hit any major arteries or veins.

You may be asking yourself, why would I do such a silly thing as that?

Well, it has been 2 years of build up. 2 years of living with someone who chews at your sanity. 2 years of build up.

You see I have been living with my brother for almost 2 years. I had moved up there in vain hopes that my life would change.

Before I moved here I was living with my parents. I had come back from 2 years of doing missionary work(I get it, Atheists, I don’t need any more attacks on my beliefs), To put it bluntly, it was the only 2 years that I believe I made any difference in this world. I had done things which people would never accomplish. I helped more people than I ever thought I could. I saw things that would break the average person heart. I did so much, I can’t even explain the magnitude of the experience I had. Life was an open book, however, it was over in a moment. I moved back to my parents. My Naivety made me believe that I could actually get the girl, that my career would open up in front of me. I was wrong. I got angry when I lost the girl. I got angry when I got stagnant in my career. I just got angry. I tried to take my own life. Well tried is a bit of a stretch. I did the research, I learned that up the river is death and across it is looking for attention. I learned that mixing 2 different cleaning products can cause death… but my for my family and not only myself. I decided that I should just persevere. I should just stick it out for them.

I got better… I had decided life was not as bad as I thought it was. I wanted to live. I decided that I would work on my qualifications. I decided that I would work my way out of this rut. I just had to wait a little bit. It was a few months before I realized what I had to do. We went up to my brother for a bit. He was living with his girlfriend at the time. Seemingly happy. He heard I was not enjoying my time at the company I was working for at the time. So we decided to try and get me in the same company as him. An amazing idea I thought at the time. A stupid idea in the long run.

I moved in with him and his girlfriend. Just shortly after they broke up. I had thought it was due to myself but my brother had admitted that they lost their intimacy a while back. I learned very quickly that my brother wasn’t the person I thought he was. I always knew he was slightly angry. I always knew that he lived an unseemly lifestyle. I just had no idea how deep that lifestyle went. I learned that he had an idea of life that would often come across as pretentious. He had this idea that his skillset was a lot more than what it really is. This would often turn out badly for him. When something didn’t go the way he wanted it to, he would burst out in anger. I was in the firing line. I was always there and I was always the target of that anger.

It was 2 years of hearing why his life ended up the way he did not. 2 years of hearing how his past made his life the way it did. 2 year of hearing how our parents fucked up is life. 2 years of hearing how everyone else fucked up his life. It has been 2 years of him not owning up to his mistakes. 2 years of living with his anger. 2 years of him chipping away at me. Using me as an output for his anger.

I am so drained. I feel as if my will to live has been drained. It was on the 9th of December 2018 that I had to send him a message. I had to tell him that I am done. I had to tell him that he has fucked up his own life, and he has fucked up my mental state. I decided that I would slit my wrist in front of him. I decided that I would show him that he is not the center of the world. 2 years of him actually screwing me around had to come to an end. He is the reason I want to jump off a cliff. He is the reason I can’t even think straight.

It has been 2 years of walking around trying to avoid eggshells. It has been 2 years of stressing about if I might piss him off. 2 years of hearing how everyone else fucks him around. 2 years of him not owning up his own mistakes. I am fucking done. I am done with his Bullshit. I am done with him using everyone around him and believing everyone is using him. He can go fuck himself.

I have lost my mind. I admit that. I tried to commit suicide in front of him and his kids. He got angry with me, He wouldn’t say what for. He got angry again. For something stupid. This happened far too much, his anger has knawed at me. I just had to have it end. I had to send him a message. Now his knawing anger has led to my death. He has just used me so much that I don’t even know how I am going to come back from this. My brother has killed me.

The gnawing feeling of death… has now overcome me.


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RubyJune 12/17/2018 - 8:53 am

DarkTide, I think that your life is still worth living. Yeah, the parents situation was rough and so is this situation with your brother. Dealing with someone else’s toxic attitude can indeed be draining. My advice is to get yourself out of that situation. Try to get your own place even if you have to work two jobs to do it. Find a friend to be a roommate. Don’t let his negative attitude be the reason why you are no longer on this Earth. Just get out and you don’t even have to speak to him again. Be your own hero. I know it’s hard but I know you can do it. There is going to be so much more to your life than this hard chapter. You will find pride when you conquer this chapter and move on to something better. There will always be other girls. There will always be other opportunities to promote at jobs. They just come in time. Your life is worth living.

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