My main thing right now is not wanting to upset people, Christmas may advertise as being about togetherness love and so on, but the underside is materialism, seasonal affective disorder and sadness. So if I sound remotely happy know that it is despite these frustrations, not because of them.
I had a meltdown three days ago, about the college canceling a class (that I’m still mad at them, my trust towards them is about the same as any other abusive employer…)
Then last night I had a dream that sorted things, about how I’ve hated educational institutions before. That’s not what I’m there for, to like them, or get attached. I attend school to gain intelligence and grow as a person. I’ll do that despite whatever external obstacles, and clearing obstacles is what I do. So I set up a meeting with my advisor and wrote a formal letter draft (which is quite hurt and angry) that I’ll edit later. Later on I’ll be researching how to report their lack of competence and hopefully correct them. That would be nice, but it isn’t my job.
So I cleaned my parents house today. Last night I exchanged gifts with my best friend and her kid, which was fine (not particularly overflowing about it though). Then at the end of all this tonight I had a dinner (for which i also cooked some), opened gifts. I have to go to two family houses tomorrow, but I’m not planning on engaging with anyone that hard while there. I’ll eat, talk, help out, but not engage.
I’m feeling okay now though. Despite the frustrations going on around me, people being grumpy with me and so on, I’m okay. I’ll get a good night of sleep, open presents, see some people I like, some that I love. Then it will all be over and we’ll relax again.
I got some stuff that I really like. My family liked my gifts which was validation. Next year I’ll have health insurance and I might just need to take anti depressants again…. not pleased about it if so, but it’s better that I be functional and less difficult if I need them. I’m just happy to have family right now. We’re sitting around talking about the year and for once I feel like “I did dang good this year. Look at my grades, look at the weight I lost, look at how much organization and house cleaning got done. I mean, I got an award for being good at something, that hasn’t happened much before.” It isn’t to boast, I don’t think I’m better than anyone apart from the old me. It’s: Wow, I don’t know how the crud I pulled all this off, but this is great.
Anyway, no idea about how active I’ll be. Probably not at all tomorrow, but I’ll still be around for most of the time. I don’t start school again until the 15th of January.
5 comments
I’ve always been against educational institutions, I feel there’s too many stupid people who think the wrong way that will just get in the way of you advancing in knowledge, I always think the instructors are usually just money hungry and sometimes even just plain evil, sometimes dirty wh*res. I feel a better time learning alone, but now I’m rather unfunctional, nearing 6 years past my planned suicide date of August 1, 2012 and no longer mind bettering myself as you put it. At my very last possible resort, I thought although I do not believe in college, there are somethings you need in order to get special perks, for example I thought as a last resort if I got a chemistry license I could get ******** tanks and/or argon, helium so I could commit suicide with asphyxiation.. good thing I found out you can order those without a license from welding suppliers or else I’d have to waste a whole lot of time and money to become licensed! Haha. I hope your year turns out better and you learn a lot at school.
I never truly learned the difference between a wh*re and a capitalist. Everyone auctions off precious assets to whatever market, and it’s almost always demeaning. Maybe it’s desperation? I don’t know anyone in American capitalism that isn’t desperate though. Those with a steady income just manage it better. One of my favorite songs has the chorus “You think I’m a whore, but I have a heart of gold.”
Which is me, intentionally and knowingly selling off my time and abilities (limited such as they are). I try to do it in an ethical and compassionate way, but fail often enough…..
Anyway, it sounds pretty frustrating being that far out from your planned departure date. I think eventually success will come, either in less pain or in a departure. The anticipation is the terrible bit.
I think about my missed exits a fair bit. The pain I could have skipped. Then I think it doesn’t matter. As they say “put your behind in your past” or also the reverse. Eventually the pain will be sufficient to exit, or life rewarding enough to stay. It’s a binary world, pain and pleasure, death and life. My last bit of lyrics are from Genesis’ song That’s All “I could leave but I don’t go, though my heart might tell me so.” against all reason, it appears I’m still alive.
It used to not be that bad to wait for suicide, but it seems I have become someone’s favorite person to torture, I am sexually assaulted, so I guess I bring up the wh*re aspect insinuating flesh crazed maniacs who have to p*rvert every god d*mn free moment. I used to not feel much pain. I guess that is my problem. I don’t feel much of anything and each day falls away as if the clock has not turned a dial. I could never feel rewarded by life. I am stuck in such horrible circumstances with such horrible situations that I’ve just always thought it better to leave, when you have absolutely no reason to stay..
Yeah Christmas is full of materialism. Not like that doesn’t happen all year round but at Christmas its so ‘in your face’. I was at a toy sale around Christmas time one year and all these people had their trolleys stuffed with toys, some people even had 2 trolleys with toys… I was like whaaaaaat.
I think it’s more disgusting around Christmas, which to the religious is about the birth of a savior (who offered salvation for free, a scandal in materialist culture), and the irreligious who desire greater love for family and friends in the season. Materialism was meant to be a means to express it, but it kind of took over.
Silver lining for anti materialists: This time of year exposes capitalism for what it is, all the exploitation, the classism, the cruelty, up front where everyone has to look at it. People can’t fix things if they don’t see them, eventually I think people will get tired of centering their world on stuff.
Merry Christmas!