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Torn between staying and leaving

by Black Holez

I’m torn between staying with my gf of 13 years versus going to a monastery to become a monk and leaving the worries and ways of the world. Obviously, I think having structure in my life would do wonders for me as I’m a recluse at home with an almost hikikomori-like lifestyle. All I do at the house is wake up, stare at the walls or on my computer screen all day surfing the web, then only going outside to fetch my gf or talk to my neighbor who isn’t even there always as he works outside the city. I’ve got nothing going for me and the next best thing would be to probably become a monk and enter church service.

Better serve the remainder of my existence serving God than waste away at home doing nothing but that would also entail leaving the one last thread holding my sanity. I would have to leave everything behind if I decide to become a monk. I don’t know what to do. It’s eating at my heart, soul and mind.

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NO_REMORSE 12/13/2018 - 10:04 pm

Do what makes you happy but be careful with making a huge change and not being happy with it, as you wont be able to return! Im sure there are a lot of other ways you can find comfort in your life while still holding valuable relationships. Dont jump the gun.

Black Holez 12/13/2018 - 10:07 pm

This is what I’m worried at. If I leave my gf of 13 years, I would regret it. But in my current state, I don’t even think I can provide her with a future she wants. She already wants to get married and have kids. I also want a family of my own too but in my current state of depression and being a recluse/shut-in, I don’t even think I can provide her with that.

NO_REMORSE 12/13/2018 - 10:19 pm

If youre so disheartened about being a shut-in, why dont you work on getting out more? Going out for work, shopping, whatever. Hell just getting out for a walk wherever (preferably in nature) is good. Youve got a girlfriend to go out with too, even better. Youve got opportunity right here you can take action on, without doing something as drastic as leaving everything behind and becoming a monk. You just have to get out of your comfort zone.

Teresa's Child 12/13/2018 - 10:42 pm

13 years is a hell of a long time. A relationship that’s lasted that long is worth something nontrivial. Depression makes people do crazy things and ruin their lives — trust me, I know.

When you make a decision, make sure there is no emotion in your reasoning. That’s the only advice that I’ll give.

Once 12/13/2018 - 10:53 pm

Moving to a monastery is going to take initiative and planning. It wouldn’t surprise me if, during that period of planning, you changed your mind about even going. Making the move will mean you have to leave your home, visit at least one monastery, speak with them and find out if this even feasible. It’s going to require you doing a lot of legwork and planning. The time you spend planning all of this might be just what you need to being you to a place of clarity and perspective.

How close are you right now to god? Do you actively seek him every day? My man, no offense intended at all, I understand that you’re very down right now, and I’m sorry, but planning to leave a relationship of 13 years to become a monk is just not sensible. You’re envisioning a life of seclusion spent in pursuit of a god that is going to do what?

Several people have mentioned to you that you need to become socially involved in some form or another. I agree. There is something you can do, somewhere, somehow that will bring you back into contact with the world – but YOU have to get out and find it. It’s not going to come to you. Simply leaving your house and going for a walk every day is a start. Visit a scenic area, get out into nature. Go to a store. Go to a library. Go where other humans are. You WANT change, you WANT something different, but you are unwilling to do what is necessary to initiate it.

I don’t know if this is a bible verse, or just a popular saying : “God helps those who help themselves.” Put another way, when you take action to change your life, god, or the universe, or whatever you choose to call it, places situations in your path that will help you along your way. But they don’t magically show up – it takes action. How do you expect anything to change if you continuously do the same thing, day after day, week after week, my good man?

Staying secluded is good for one thing – killing your heart, mind and soul. I believe you’re already aware of this. You’re dealing with trauma of some kind, and noone judges you for that. Hell, we all are. But at some point, to heal from it, you have to decide that enough is enough, and work your way out of the tomb of your home and become social again in a way that works for you. If you’re dead set on moving to a monastery, how do you envision that happening? Are you going to go visit one? Do you expect them to come to your home and invite you? It’s going to require effort on your part, and like I said earlier, I’d bet six bucks and my left elbow that if you make the effort to work out the details, you’d find that it’s NOT what you really need. And maybe I’m full of shit too. But neither one of us will know if I am or not until you decide to take action, action that will bring you out of the depression that is slowly killing you.

I’m not trying to be an asshole, Black Holez, but from an outsiders point of view, it seems to me that you’re making a very extreme decision when it may not be warranted. Simply getting up and getting out every day will work wonders in helping you to think more clearly. Look at those walls you’re staring at, that same floor and window and door and that same house you sit inside and ask yourself what they’re doing – helping you, or hurting you? If they help, then stay there and make your plans. If they’re hurting you, then take action and leave them and get up and get out. You’ll find some perspective when you change your environment.

Best of luck to you. I know you’re hurting, and I hope you can find a solution.

PatheticMale 12/14/2018 - 9:36 am

You could maybe find a type of church that doesnt force celibacy over their monks. I am sure they exist.

Black Holez 12/15/2018 - 5:57 am

A monk is celibate by default. I don’t think any churches offer non-celibate monkhoods. Even Buddshist monks require celibacy.

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