I hate waking up everyday so fking much I cannot even describe… Anyone got it the same? Like I get it, everyone hates it, no one gets used to it but still I feel like its different for me. Like my mom for example told me that when she wakes up earlier than supposed to she has trouble falling asleep again and Im like: What? That is a problem? I would fking do anything if I could have it like this… I have like 6 alarms and its still not enough. I just cancel all of them, sleeping to the last moment possible, then I grab my phone and check if by any chance my first lesson in school isnt canceled (I do it every single day even if I checked the evening before and I am 100% sure it isnt canceled, I still do it) then I force myself to get up usually by slapping my face then I go to the bathroom and put my head under ice cold water. That still doesnt wake me up and all I think about is going to sleep again. I dont eat breakfast that is really not an option for me since I will gladly sacrifice anything for 5 extra minutes of sleep. I usually just brush my teeth (sometimes I dont even do that), get dressed and get out so Im out of the house like 5 minutes after I got out of bed just to maximize my sleep time. In the bus to school I usually listen to depressing music, thinking about whether is it worth it to suffer like this every fking morning. I have skipped school because of this a lot and now I cant afford it anymore… I have to go everyday or else I will get kicked out. The worst part is that my sleep time doesnt effect this at all. I still feel like crap in the morning even if I slept like 9 hours or even more… But I usually sleep like 6-7 hours because I dont get tired in the evening until like midnight. I have noticed that if I try to go to bed earlier despite not being tired It is even worse. Like I go to bed at like 10pm lets say and then I cant fall asleep untill like 3am coz I dont get sleepy around midnight as I usually do because I was laying in bed for 2 hours before that.
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There is one good thing about it I suppose. When my first lesson actually gets canceled and I realize it in the morning I just go back to sleep immediately, I fall asleep in like 3 seconds but these are the best 3 seconds of my my life ever. Better than being high off coke, sex or anything. cant really tell 100% since Im a virgin but Im sure its better 🙂
For me it’s not waking up but actually getting out of bed. I just dread the pain of my first few steps. It takes me an hour from the time I wake up until I get up!
I used to be like that in high school, I didn’t care about the kids, the lessons or anything all I knew is I had to do because forced and I could barely function because it was not natural for my body to wake up so early. I couldn’t sleep usually til 3 like you. I looked forward to graduation just in order to catch up on all the sleep I was missing and planned nothing for after high school besides suicide. I slept through my entire year after graduation. I hoped to commit on my 18th birthday which was three months after graduation (I had this planned for at least 3-4 years), but I had a girlfriend at the time I didn’t like her very much but she was my first and I don’t know, at the time it seemed like I was like a god to her (LOL) but when the day came I was ready to do it but I couldn’t because she was in my bed and I didn’t know when she was going to leave.. then I was put in to the wrong situations and went from amazingly physically healthy to incredibly physically ill and word got around that I was going to commit suicide and now it’s my only ego, but through it all they can’t change me. The sleep was how I got through the years then I started having demented nightmares always featuring people I used to be acquainted with around 2015, 2016. I turned 18 in 2012 so I was trying very hard and finally got around to commiting in 2016, then the wrong people got involved and then a few months later I was put in jail so I’ve been in jail for almost 3 years and it’s just making things worse for me as in my rapidly declining physical health, every day I have to make the decision: do I end my life today? Since my health has failed so drastically over the last 4 years, it would have been a lot better to have gone through with my very well rehearsed plan and committed while I was still capable and independent. I just try to keep an open mind and pretend I am invisible so other people can continue on as normal but I don’t rely on other people and just pray for the day they let me off the hook so I can run as far as I can and never relive a moment of my empty life
I wish I could help you somehow… I guess you can only do so much through computer screen… I cant imagine how it must suck to be in jail… I would probably panic if I were locked up somewhere with no escape. There is a chance I will end up in jail if someone finds my drugs or smth but luckily here in my country its not that strict with drugs. You usually get only a fine or suspended sentence or something like that if you dont sell it.
Perhaps there is some serious reason why you didnt commit back then that you will find eventually. I dont wanna sound cheesy but anything is possible 🙂 and i mostly believe stuff happens for a reason
The only thing I’ve got to look forward to in my life is committing
It’s sealed in stone
Ya the f*ckedup part is that someone was watching me and reported me like who knows how long they had been watching me for and I still don’t even know who reported me but truthfully I know a ton of fcking creeps who get off on that level of control and it’s also creepy because before it happened I started having weird dreams kind of like nightmares that 1) was like I was on my knees and cops were fcking me – one in the front of me and one in the behind and they were saying something about identity theft and then 2) I was with these wh*res I hadn’t spoke to since high school like 6-7 years back and they were talking about god knows what anyway I leave their party to get some beers from the gas station, then idk (I never even did this once) but I’m pissing on the side of said gas station building and a bunch of random dudes walk out while I’m getting back in the car and start trying to open the doors to attack me and tear down the windows to get in my car, I just lock the doors and drive away but while I’m on the road down the street I look behind and there are like 6 cops following me ??
Anyway it gets fcking weirder because then like two months later after I’ve served that DUI, i have this dream that this woman is shoving her face in between my ass cheeks and tasting my asshole and then some random f*ggot I haven’t seen or thought of once since they shoved me in the psych ward 5 years ago was on the couch asking said woman to suck on his you know what, so I wake up and I am about to end my life right like I’m going to drive to a bridge and jump I decide because that was too fcked up to continue living my life so I go out to have my last night on earth celebration before I’m going to wake up the next day and drive to said cliff and jump off to end my life and I have a little wine because it’s my very last night alive and then another ugly f*ggot cop is following me
Then it just keeps getting more fcked up, I fcking hate football personally but in this dream this guy starts fcking me because he won tickets to a football game, I mean I don’t just dislike football I FCKING HATE football
Then I keep having dreams just as fcked up as those are and random guys are attacking my sleeping body and getting on top of me and fcking me
One dream there is a man r*ping me in the @sshole underwater and actually last Christmas I had a dream a man was on the couch with a b*ner begging for a c*nt to put it in
It kind of reminds me of this book called speak where a girl is r*ped at a party and then stops talking for the rest of her high school life. All I think about is committing. I’m going to I just don’t know when because since I’ve been in jail for three years I finally get out in February 6,2019
It has been since February 2016 that I have been in jail.