What is my purpose?

I know that if I keep going through the program of the rehab education and group therapy it does help but when I go back away from such things the thought of suicide doesn’t go away such powerful negativity within myself mentally while trying to hide it away from others so I don’t make them suffer my family and friends all have their own lives to focus on but I can’t stop thinking about just dying my contradictory thoughts of love of life or also deep down inside I want to die but not strong enough to go for a second attempt of suicide which may lead me to a real suicide where I no longer am alive I understand the finality of death we probably loss someone important at some point in our lives but I am worried about my future.