Double posting. Sorry.
It’s apparent to me that the way I view the world is drastically different from others, so much so that the way I interact with others hurts them. There’s no malicious intent behind my words, and yet, some say it’s “emotionally manipulative”, or “oversharing”. Something about empathetic pain. These are concepts and words that I cant seem to put any meaning to. I must’ve missed something about social skills somewhere along the line. So many people are upset and put-off by my interactions with them, and I dont at all understand why. Anyway, this hurts because (A) I HATE the idea that I’m hurting others without meaning to, and (B) I have excruciating internal pain that I dont feel comfortable expressing because I’m afraid of hurting others. So, It’s getting bottled-up instead. The isolation has been driving me crazy I think, and I mean that literally. I’ve been having odd daydreams containing dark and often biological imagery (although, this could be from Adderall use too). I’m so sad I can actually feel it in my body, like, physically. I’m just not okay.
I’m not one of those depressed people who wallow and do nothing about it to help myself. However, I think this lack of social skills is so deep that my lack of connections with others, and the corresponding distress that comes with it, is making life impossible anyway. At least it seems like that. I’ll try to get some help and improve things. but FUCK does this hurt!
I hope it’s okay to post this here. I also hope I havent hurt any of you by doing so. If I have, I sincerely apologize. I truly, honestly dont mean to.