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The Difference between ideation and actual suicidality

by Mac-10toSchool

I think about suicide a lot. But that isnt the same as being suicidal. We tend to use suicidal thoughts as a qualifier for being suicidal. but that’s not what that is.

I experienced being truly suicidal only once in my life, in 2012. I was 20. It was very quick. I had been severely depressed for months, on drugs, working a job I hated. One day, I walked into the woods, sat under a tree, got high, and I thought, “I’m going to kill myself in 3 days.” 3 days never went by though, because that very same day, I took an entire bottle of ambien. Was unconscious for nearly a week, woke up in ICU. It was that quick, the very same day that I decided to do it, I did it. That was my only honest-to-god suicide attempt.

I’m not suggesting that people are all alike. I am suggesting that as much pain as we are all in and as low as we are, there is a step even lower. A pain even deeper. And at that level, none of the fears of physical pain, none of the worry about hurting others, none of the hesitation exists. You just act. In my opinion (and its JUST my opinion), THAT’S being suicidal.

In my opinion, there’s a big difference between being severely depressed and being suicidal, and that difference is taking action. No ego, no thoughts about how others will think about it, no secret Hopes of someone catching you. Only a pure intent to die.

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Cause of Death: Suicide 1/14/2019 - 4:48 pm

I’ve been suicidal since 2006… the only thing between me and my suicide is I don’t have the ability to get a quickie weapon.. I don’t worry about what other people will think because this will be the only thing I’ll be able to do for me in my entire life. I relied solely on the idea that when I turned 18 I’d be able to retrieve a quickie weapon, so I turned 18 in 2012. It’s been about 7 years and I still live in a nightmare. You know, just between us, I’d be doing more to commit, but they took my license and any ability to leave my mom’s house 3 years ago. For example right now I have a perfect way to commit but I’d need a little fresh air and some time alone, I don’t want to commit at home but I’ve always dreamed of committing in the outback of town for example the woods. I thought maybe to jump off San Francisco bridge – no can’t leave – (I don’t get any of that where I’m at and of course they took my license because I had someone watching me, following me, paying special interest to myself and no one else.)
I suppose I am special to them? Maybe just another young adult with no college degree or no job to punish. I wish they would have just shot me.

Hard for me because I despise all human contact and now they force me into making contact each week or they will put me in the slammer. (Surprise: it’s just a bunch of ugly old men, the force) scarier for me because I was just a little 22 year old girl. They send me like 60 year old fat ass cops that grab me and sh*t. And this has been every year since I became of legal age…??

I told you, someone has special interest in me and it’s kind of freaking me out.
I just think oh well, I wait to get my license and kill myself then or I kill myself now. I have a semi-dependable method. I’d like to do it by driving into the forest and then enacting the method. I haven’t killed myself the past 2.5 years cause I was supposed to be able to get my license 1.5 years ago, so I waited. The time came and the bomb dropped. Uh excuse us but you can only drive your car if you pay the hold fines of 1300$, so I had no money at all (I’ve never had any money and any money I ever got went into my gun fund – to buy the gun that would blow off my head) I got a job and expected these fines the be paid within 4 months. It took me 9 months working 50 hours a week to pay. I paid all the fines, guess what happened, I was driving again after 2 years and they followed me again (the cops) they are trying to take my license again.. and they’ve been trying since October so I have been unable to drive since October 11. I started driving again after paying the 1300$ about September 15. They then fined me another 650$. I think I’m paying all this just to get my license back so I can commit suicide in privacy.

Sometimes I think I’ll have to just shoot myself in the bath tub in my grandmoms home.

Mac-10toSchool 1/14/2019 - 5:00 pm

I’m not sure what to say. I cant talk about methods, and a debate about available household method options in relation to a true desire to die doesnt sound like a good idea either. You’re in pain, and that’s easy to see. I wish you the best, hope things improve for you, and I’m sorry to hear you’ve struggled so much.

Two-Faced 1/14/2019 - 7:11 pm

That is what you think. And i will honestly say that you’re barking up a tree that doesn’t make any sense. The human body is structured to preserve life, the idea of suicide should create anxiety thereby giving you thoughts of doubt. If you don’t feel the anxiety then you’re probably not the same kind of human that a normal human should be. Doubts exist even to the end, they just exist in varying degrees. Just because you feel that urgency doesn’t make you a better suicide contemplater.
People who have a vested interest in ending their lives are suicidal. Don’t down-play things. You might mean well but these are not the kind of things you should be debating yourself about.

Mac-10toSchool 1/14/2019 - 10:01 pm

Respectfully, I think your being a little too sensitive about this. I’m not barking up any trees. Like it says in the post, it’s JUST my opinion

Two-Faced 1/15/2019 - 9:52 pm

I’m not shaming you for your opinion, you are entitled to an opinion. I’m simply saying you need to consider the environment you’re in and word your post in a considering manner. This a suicide website my friend, people coming here have problems and they all have a main theme, SUICIDE. Some of them are angry and may not consider your rational when they see something like
QUOTE: “We tend to use suicidal thoughts as a qualifier for being suicidal. but that’s not what that is.”

Someone might see that and feel a sense of unbelonging, that they need to prove that are suicidal. So you just gotta be careful when say stuff like that, not every topic, I’m only giving you a hard time because you are talking about suicide.
Just avoid qualifying statements. Not everyone is as comfortable. The last we want is people pretending they don’t have problems.
@mac-10toschool

Two-Faced 1/15/2019 - 9:56 pm

And if you know people, some of them would believe anything. Not everyone is reasonable

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