I think about suicide a lot. But that isnt the same as being suicidal. We tend to use suicidal thoughts as a qualifier for being suicidal. but that’s not what that is.
I experienced being truly suicidal only once in my life, in 2012. I was 20. It was very quick. I had been severely depressed for months, on drugs, working a job I hated. One day, I walked into the woods, sat under a tree, got high, and I thought, “I’m going to kill myself in 3 days.” 3 days never went by though, because that very same day, I took an entire bottle of ambien. Was unconscious for nearly a week, woke up in ICU. It was that quick, the very same day that I decided to do it, I did it. That was my only honest-to-god suicide attempt.
I’m not suggesting that people are all alike. I am suggesting that as much pain as we are all in and as low as we are, there is a step even lower. A pain even deeper. And at that level, none of the fears of physical pain, none of the worry about hurting others, none of the hesitation exists. You just act. In my opinion (and its JUST my opinion), THAT’S being suicidal.
In my opinion, there’s a big difference between being severely depressed and being suicidal, and that difference is taking action. No ego, no thoughts about how others will think about it, no secret Hopes of someone catching you. Only a pure intent to die.