I went to the river saturday night, i suppose by that point Sunday morning..
I thought of the other times ive walked there, the other times ive headed out in the middle of the night.
For solace, or companionship. The times i left with a misguided sense of certainty.
I dont know what i got out of this walk. I bundled up, was warm even with the chill and snow. Not out too long, but most of my footsteps were half-filled with snow again when i followed them back, the wind. It was quiet, calm. For all the snow elsewhere i was surprised the service station over the water was clear, least i could sit. I had the same song on repeat, from a former friends phone.
And sunday night was the eclipse, bloody moon in the sky..
I thought of seeing the solar eclipse.
I thought of summer.
Something that in several ways keeps getting hammered home is the fact im not cut out for this.
Ive rebelled against so many things ive had to do to move forward, to keep living. Ive kept it down, attempted to, kept trying. Ive broken down and snapped back into place and things have just been fucked. Ive had enough. I cant make it better.
I can’t fix things, i cant properly function. I cant keep pretending this life is something i want to invest in.
I want to stop. I dont want help, i want to be done.
I want to be done.
I just have to do the things i need to for this and i can be.