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Angry, frustrated, tired

by Mac-10toSchool

Dick’s Sporting goods is a five minute walk from my apartment. I’ve been saving up for a gun or two from there. I’m so damn frustrated with people I can even describe it! But, I’m even more frustrated with myself.

I’ve been thinking over things, and the more I think about it, it makes more sense to just off myself instead. You are all right; the world already has too much pain and suffering in it. I wish I could show them. If the whole world could see the soul behind my eyes, everyone would flinch in terror. Maybe it’s that I dont have a soul anymore. I’m so tired of being put down, manipulated, and picked on at school and at work just for feeling blue. I’m tired of having so very few connections, and I’m frustrated that people misunderstand me so often, and treat me like shit for things I just dont understand myself.

This whole macho-man, dont have any feelings mindset that people have is bullshit. I can understand holding it in so you can function, but when you have more on your plate than you can hold, it spills out anyway. Then, not only do you feel depressed, but you feel embarrassed and people kick you when you’re down.

So. Fucking. wrong.

I’m sick of complaining and putting up with things though. I’m going to take some sort of action. Maybe. I dont know.

There’s this girl I’ve been talking to that tends to bring out the softer, kinder sides of me. Parts of me I tend to forget about. I’d like to think she’s someone worth sticking around for. She’s just all kinds of amazing. At the same time it’s like, at what point is all of this too much? At what point is this internal, existential pain too heavy to hold? At what point does social ineptitude spell out too much dejection and isolation down the road? Where’s the line, and when should you cross it?

I’m so fucking tired and sick of it all.

I’m going to do something. Havent made a final decision as to what that is yet.

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a1957 1/11/2019 - 8:18 pm

Dude yeah. The paragraph starting with “There’s this girl….” has all the questions I have been grappling with for decades. Damn decades. Finally, almost 5 years ago I let a therapist into my life. Because I was in so much pain and so wanted to either die or get relief, she and I had to be dancing around my strong bent to to suicide for years. But she stuck with me I and with her. I wish I could say I have the answers but I don’t. What I can say is, my interactions with people are improving, the pain is much much much less. I guess if I hit a huge problem someday that I can’t stand and no way can it be fixed or mitigated then maybe then it is time for me catch the bus.
Dude I wish you best.

Mac-10toSchool 1/11/2019 - 8:22 pm

Well thank you. I wish you the best too

Cause of Death: Suicide 1/11/2019 - 8:20 pm

I’ve been trying to buy myself a gun for many years, I don’t think I can anymore because I have mental hospital stays in my background. If you know anything about background checks, tune me in on it. I was supposed to shoot myself my suicide date was August 1, 2012. Sounds so nice that you can just go over to the store and buy them, I always have to worry about being reported. It’s terrifying, so much so that I can’t even act. I’ve been suffering for a long time so of course I’ve been wishing to shoot myself in the head through mouth for more than half my life.

Anyway, where are you from?

Mac-10toSchool 1/11/2019 - 8:26 pm

I live in Michigan, USA, in a town just outside of Ann Arbor.
I have mental health stuff in my background too. HOWEVER, I’m going to try anyway. There’s more than one way to skin a cat, and I happen to be sort of street-smart. So if that doesnt work, I could always buy something “off the grid”.

Mac-10toSchool 1/11/2019 - 8:27 pm

Plus the guy who works there is one of my classmates

Cause of Death: Suicide 1/11/2019 - 11:00 pm

I was going to go in on my 18th birthday to get a gun but I was always nervous I’d seem suspicious or something.. plus I sold all my belongings and didn’t have enough I think I had 150$ and the baby pistols at the pawn shop we’re going 200$, I was always afraid of failing and getting a hole in my head but not dying so I preferred something more powerful like a shotgun. I always imagined I’d maybe meet someone who understood and could easily buy one for me without getting anybody else involved, like under the table. But that seems unreal at this point with how anti-suicide and how so ununderstanding people are. Then I accidentally landed in mental hospital. I shouldn’t of said anything. I guess I was trying to say goodbye but said too much. But I do have other ways to get weapons. Doesn’t mean I’m not nervous to be sold out whether it be by the seller who is suspicious or someone who has my number and has been watching me, following me. Best day of my life, I had a shotgun in my possession, I traded something for it but of course I was followed and turned in on suspicion. I had to be a little sneaky but I was sure it was it, a sure thing. I never thought I would succeed but I was very delighted because I had the means finally, something I never thought I could conceive. I was in all heavens, I was out all night waiting to turn in my rental, but.. when I went into the rental waiting for my car to be finished in the morning, of course I should have known they’d be following me even things I try to do in private they are always watching, a police shows up. I am in terror but he leaves and doesn’t get in to my trunk where I have the shotgun (huge of course, waiting for me) I could have swore I had been sold out and he was going to force me to let him search me and punish me. So I think I am safe. I get the thing transferred to my car trunk, and turn in the rental. It is a regular pitiful morning and I debate to leave then and go where I needed. I think I’d been up waiting all night, that I should really get one little rest in before committing. Plus I always never thought it was going to happen for me, was always a distant dream. At this point I was 21 1/2. I needed a little nap and time to sink this in. I think I am safe. I decide I have been ready, this was it. I wake up to people screaming at me, my belongings were randomly searched, of course somebody had sold me out, the cops are on there way. I never had anything to do with the people now screaming in my face, sending the cops to pick me up. It was sitting in my car I had done nothing with it but purchase it and move it. I was going to wake up and finish the job. When I hear the cops are coming I think to jump out the second story window and make a run for it but my keys are gone and I really had nowhere else to go. I am then taken into a police car that smells like farts and burps and taken to ER where I sit in a bed, being watched by 18-year old sitters where I watch an episode of Simpson’s and wait overnight for my admission into mental hospital, which is already been to two times before and did absolutely nothing for me but cause me to be more miserable and uncomfortable in my life. This time because I had a weapon they keep me double what I was used to staying, 28 days. I talk to no one. I get some shots. They don’t let me use the phone. They call me names. I start asking to be sedated about the 22 day just so I can sleep the days away. They don’t tell me when I can leave. I leave and they hook me up with more pills. I don’t take them because they only ever extremely hurt me before. I can’t sleep and I keep waking up every ten minutes after taking some ambien and my sleeping becomes horrible. They tell me the police have my gun in possessions that I traded the only thing I had for, but I can’t get it back because the seller never transferred to my name with bill of sale.

I plow on through my terrible life with no way out once again and one day I go to the Walmart about three months later. I ask the service lady if she can hold some items for me while I try to get some money transferred. Then I look at the ad and ask her if she can point me to the knives. I go to the knife section and purchase a tiny pocket knife. I leave the store. And hang my head in my car. I think it is about time to leave because I realize it is dark and I haven’t had dinner yet, I thought it was earlier. I go to back up think I will pick up a sandwich, I put the car in gear and look to back up and there are about 3 or 4 police cars parked behind me. Um, ok? They come to my door. Search themselves into my car. I’ve no clue why they are there and they won’t tell me. They find some weed and force me into their car and I am put in jail for the first time in my life. I am back of car and look at their computer it says they showed up because was reported “suspect said she NEEDED to stab somebody” now I say a lot of things but I swear I had not said ANYTHING. I get out of jail. I start having nightmares police are following me. It’s about another 3 months and I am in the process of trying to quit weed to take CDL classes to get a license and drive trucks. One random night I am on my way home and I run out of gas on the side of the road and a cop shows up says someone from the gas station called them to alert them I was potentially driving drunk. I had not been to the gas station in three hours and finished my drink three hours ago. Ok, I had 2.5 beers, three hours back. I am put in jail again. They take my license for a month and now I have a DUI on my record. I can no longer get my CDL. One night I have a mysterious nightmare that some lady is putting her mouth and tongue on my @sshole and tasting my @sshole. I have another nightmare two cops are f*cking me and I’m on all fours. One in the front the other in the back while they nonchalantly talk about identity theft. The next day I wake up and suppose that is a sign that I should really be committing. I decide I’ll go out and it will be my last night to party then the next day I know the perfect cliff to jump from and I am (God knows) ready to go. I have some wine and some weed then I get pulled over and they take me to jail again for a second DUI, my license is dead for one year. I have no way to get to the cliff now (about three hours from where I live)

One week later, I take all the pills from the psychiatrist that I never took. I didn’t save on purpose for overdose. It wasn’t nearly enough to die from but I thought I would, I didn’t know, but I had been ready for so long to commit I thought it would be worth trying. Of course the stupid f*cks put me in the psych hospital again where this time I save the pills find a pro-suicide website that tells me lethal dose and make sure I have 150% lethal dose should I be forced to take. It has been 2.5 years. My license was only dead for 1 year but then I had to pay 2000$ just to drive again and I’ve never had any money. Every day I think I should just take the pills but I’d still rather shoot myself as I have planned since 12 years old. The end is the same though. I guess I just think if I can have one choice in my entire life it should be how I spend the last day of my life and how I end my life. But I do have my options should I choose to stop waiting and take my life any day here. I guess it’s just “too bad”

Cause of Death: Suicide 1/11/2019 - 11:08 pm

Oh I forgot to add I worked 50 hours a week for 10 months to get my license back. I pay the 2000$ and am free to drive again. I am pulled over about 3-4 weeks later. They force themselves into my car to search me and then throw me onto the ground and put me in a body bag and then take a picture. I have to walk thirteen miles home from jail. I get my car back and exactly 11 days later (both times on my way to work) I am pulled over they force themselves into my car again and take me to jail. This time I am booked on felony DUI, I am not drunk or high. He tells me he will be doing a test of sobriety and then will drive me back to my car so I can go to work if I pass (I am driving and about a block away from my work building) he does not let me pass, he takes me to jail. I am in for 12 days (500$) bond. Although they got my blood test back proving no drugs in my system they keep pushing back court and I can’t drive until the “judge” says I can. This happened in October 2018. I haven’t been able to drive because of this since October 2016.

Once 1/11/2019 - 9:31 pm

Mac10, your indecision is obvious. And in my humble opinion, it’s a good thing. You want to die, many if us want to die, or maybe we wish for the silence and tranquility of death because it offers respite. I don’t know. I’m a nimtwit. I actually don’t want to die, the thought of suicide is daunting, but hell yeah, death sounds peaceful.

If I had to decide for you – if you asked me, and only me to pick an option for you – suicide or living – based on what I’ve read here, your words, I’d pick living. Why?

Because I sense in your words a faint hope. A faint glimmer of something that is keeping you from doing something that will alter not only your life, but could adversely affect, for the remainder of their lives, people who are truly innocent. Noone deserves to be the victim of someone else’s rage. Especially you, and it sounds as though it may be too late for that, but I don’t believe so. I believe you hurt, that you’ve been hurt, and that it f_ _ _ ing sucks. I believe that you wish to hold someone accountable for the s_ _ t life has piled on you. I get it. I get the rage. I’ve known the rage, and I’ve envisioned similar actions myself, and man did it seem appealing, but it’s just not. It’s no more right than war. We kill, as a species and goddamn do we do it well. It’s our specialty. But it’s not what we should be doing. What we should be doing is a mystery to me, sonewhat, but inflicting pain in the innocent is as wrong to those on whom you might choose to inflict it as the pain that was inflicted on you is. Noone wins. My man. Noone wins.

This girl, this girl that makes you feel whatever is good that you feel, yes, this is what is a better choice for you. Yeah, I don’t know you, you don’t know me, but the happiness in your words when you describe in your own way “this girl”, it’s obvious. Know her. Learn her. Learn from her. That feeling she makes you feel, THAT is right, that is correct. That is good.

She alone, you alone, nothing alone will erase the crap you’ve suffered, Mac 10. That crap is your gift from this world of indifference and randomness. You, me, and billions like us all won our own fucking lotteries, and we get to live with our prizes forever, but we can push back in constructive ways. At least less destructive ways.

You are undecided. You want something genuine, something better. In a world of genuine insanity and artificial realities, anything better is better than much of nothing, and there’s too damn much nothing going around for all of us.

Stick around a bit longer, if you can. If you’re asking me. Maybe you could care less what I have to say. I’d get it if you do.

Stick around for the parts of you she makes you feel, the parts you forgot about. You’re still alive, there’s still hope, maybe it’ll fade, but find out. Erase the indecision, not innocent lives. You owe it to yourself to see what happens when you open yourself to those forgotten sides. Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe something will happen. Maybe I’m still a nimtwit.

You have hope, you want more of it, and just maybe it’s there. Maybe it’s worth a look.

Ok. I’m getting off my soapbox.

Mac-10toSchool 1/12/2019 - 12:59 am

It’s there. That faint glow. I cant tell if it’s real or if I’m deluding myself about it.
That girl is really special to me. I think it’s her. She’s that thing keeping me back. She’s good for me, but I’m not sure if I’m so good for her. but yeah, she’s that something that cause ambivalence

Soda 1/11/2019 - 11:30 pm

Good to share your frustrations Mac, but therapy would be the best thing here. You should be careful about discussing guns and using certain words as you are in a public forum and some people can get the wrong idea and get the cops involved, being honest with you.

While I sometimes sound detached, I’m actually going through my own struggles and personal pain right now. So many of us are in a similar boat.

I also understand how it is if you’re bullied by others or find that certain people hate you, it’s difficult to deal with. We all have our limits and sometimes people cross them.

However in the past I used to get angry and yell at people but now I realized that usually they don’t listen or understand and in most cases (unless your life is threatened) it is best to walk away. With some people you can reason with calmly, others you can’t, so best to avoid them.

Ya there are some days where I’d like to end my life also. I just don’t feel all the suffering I’m going through is worth it but I keep telling myself after I do certain things my life will get better and it just seems to stay the same or get worse.

Seriously if they had suicide booths on every corner like in the cartoon series Futurama, I probably wouldn’t hesitate to use one. I’m a strong advocate of Euthanasia, fortunately here in Canada it’s available for the terminally ill and elderly but they need to make it more widely available.

Why are people forced to keep living against their will? Esp if their life doesn’t improve and it’s full of misery, pain, hardship, suffering. To think we could end it all in a few minutes with some drugs, the way we do with our pets-but they don’t allow it because of religious loons who oppose medically assisted-suicide.

Mac-10toSchool 1/12/2019 - 1:03 am

There was a girl in the Netherlands who received euthanasia for depression. Who knows? Maybe that will be a thing soon.

Soda 1/12/2019 - 1:52 am

Yes good point, euthanasia is more Liberalized in some nations like Holland but sadly only 1 out of 10 get approved (if I recall correctly), they’re still pretty strict about it.

Hopefully in time they will give it to anyone who’s truly in need of it. The US is shameful in not providing the same service to its citizens.

Each year (again going from memory) about a million attempt suicide and about 20,000 succeed, mostly with firearms.

Like abortion, this shows the problem doesn’t go away just cause you ban it. There is a real societal need for this service and it should be legally available for all of us.

princessmousy<:3)~ 1/11/2019 - 11:52 pm

I wish you the best with whatever you end up choosing.

Mac-10toSchool 1/12/2019 - 1:03 am

Thank you. I hope your housing situation improves too

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