Dick’s Sporting goods is a five minute walk from my apartment. I’ve been saving up for a gun or two from there. I’m so damn frustrated with people I can even describe it! But, I’m even more frustrated with myself.
I’ve been thinking over things, and the more I think about it, it makes more sense to just off myself instead. You are all right; the world already has too much pain and suffering in it. I wish I could show them. If the whole world could see the soul behind my eyes, everyone would flinch in terror. Maybe it’s that I dont have a soul anymore. I’m so tired of being put down, manipulated, and picked on at school and at work just for feeling blue. I’m tired of having so very few connections, and I’m frustrated that people misunderstand me so often, and treat me like shit for things I just dont understand myself.
This whole macho-man, dont have any feelings mindset that people have is bullshit. I can understand holding it in so you can function, but when you have more on your plate than you can hold, it spills out anyway. Then, not only do you feel depressed, but you feel embarrassed and people kick you when you’re down.
So. Fucking. wrong.
I’m sick of complaining and putting up with things though. I’m going to take some sort of action. Maybe. I dont know.
There’s this girl I’ve been talking to that tends to bring out the softer, kinder sides of me. Parts of me I tend to forget about. I’d like to think she’s someone worth sticking around for. She’s just all kinds of amazing. At the same time it’s like, at what point is all of this too much? At what point is this internal, existential pain too heavy to hold? At what point does social ineptitude spell out too much dejection and isolation down the road? Where’s the line, and when should you cross it?
I’m so fucking tired and sick of it all.
I’m going to do something. Havent made a final decision as to what that is yet.