I wanted to work on this with a therapist, but I have three weeks to get through before I see the new one…. we’ll see how that turns out.
It’s bothering me the sense that I’m living on borrowed time, having functional days, being capable of work. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, like any time some official will come in with a stack of papers that says “We’ve found you out! You’re not a capable student at all, you’re a no talent hack.”
It’s tiring trading my hard won attention and focus for grades, which go towards a degree that earns me the ability to attempt the next degree. I’m 7 years away… which is less years than I was away from the finish awhile ago. It’s still…. time.
I can’t imagine not falling again. It seems like sooner or later I’ll stumble, actually I stumble right now every month, I just manage to get back up and not let it derail my progress. Eventually though, what if I don’t get back up fast enough? It’s a lot of pressure to adapt around my screw ups. On one side the pressure to achieve beyond ordinary people, so that I might be worthy of tolerating. It seems like I have to earn everyone putting up with my various flaws….
*shrug* It’s a rainy day, the kind of day that is a long cold pondering of what if I went out the door, caught pneumonia and died of it. That sort of thing happened all the time a few hundred years ago, people didn’t dare go outside in such weather for fear of disease… Now we just fear other humans and their lack of ability to drive large metal deathtraps. Death has always been available, the only difference is now it takes a choice to chase.