bland is yuck

I’m so empty. I’m nothing, but I can be nothing because no one ever sees that and always assume that surely i am something cause everyone has to be, so they just dump all these expectations on me that always go unfulfilled because they’re for normal people, and im not normal, im nothing. Sometimes I think about the far-ahead future and wish that i was something but i know that its a lie because what im really wishing for is to be someone else entirely, and thats not possible. at least not in this life. If I do feel anything its just sadness, or sometimes insane giddiness that scares me. or sometimes i just want a cigarette, no, all the cigarettes, and think that will make everything go away, but it doesnt. i still always end up the same, still stuck. i just wish i could live at the bottom of the ocean where nothing really mattered