The day I’ll get drunk is the day I kill myself because of all these urges I’m suppressing. If I even for a moment allow myself to get drunk this person will destroy everything I have. I got drunk once and beat up a cousin, but the high felt so good that I couldn’t even care, and when it was over it was the best night I had in a long time.
That’s why Chester always makes me think, I miss him and now Linkin Park will never be the same. Shinoda is alright but he isn’t Chester. Chester was the voice with the scars and he was the one who went through hell. Then he had everything but he still killed himself because he accidentally got drunk and the beast came out. What does that say about life? It’s inevitable right? I know myself and me could kill himself eventually. But I just hope it doesn’t happen when I have kids, or people who depend on me. Right now I could vanish, worst case scenario is people may have to set aside their busy schedule to attend my funeral.
Anyone else holding back the beast inside?
8 comments
Can’t wait to commit. I’ll probably have alcohol in my system, but I’m not holding in the beast, I embrace him but just waiting for him to kill me. He tries to do good and clean up my debt before he comes for the kill.
The sad thing about alcohol is that the first delightful, magnificent and fulfilling experience once had is gone forever. An then we can, and many will completely destroy our lives and the lives of those closest to us in a continual, incessant quest to have it again. But it never happens.
It doesn’t play out that way for everyone; just for those that experience that great, unimaginable euphoria. It’s just one of life’s cold, hard truths – kind of like a face-plant on a cold, dark sidewalk.
Hey nozmo, good to see a fellow old timer round here.
You’re spot on about the 1st high that never returns. Heroin addicts call it “chasing the dragon.” Each hit gets weaker and bleaker, and yet you keep spiraling down thinking one day you’ll get that magic feeling again.
Just wanted to throw one hitch in the theory, although I highly doubt it’ll help anyone who’s on this site. If you find someone that you can share the experience with, then suddenly it can be new again. Sort of like watching a movie you’ve seen 100 times with someone who has never seen it; suddenly you can experience the novelty again through them.
Of course this hinges on finding someone special that gives you that feeling. On that account I think it’s safe to say we’re all deficient, otherwise we wouldn’t be here. So yeah, in practical terms, there’s no way alcohol can ever help in the long run.
I never understood alcohol because I lived with a drunk and he ruined my life. But despite how much I hated it, that high made the world make sense. I understood everything. Not saying I’d want to it, but it opened my eyes.
The best bands call it quits after their tormented band leader dies by suicide or OD. The Doors, Nirvana, Soundgarden, Big Country, Type O Negative… Other bands sort of limp along with an anemic attempt to “carry on the tradition” but who are we kidding, it’s never the same. Linkin Park, INXS, Boston…
AC/DC somehow managed to come back swinging after Bon Scott died. Other than them, I can’t think of a single band that was justified in continuing. They should just disband and regroup in another form, close the book and move on.
That’s what I think. I can’t listen to Linkin Park without chester, it’s like mac and cheese without the cheese. They should change the name, so we know Linkin Park died.
mac and cheese without the cheese lol
So true.
By the way I forgot to comment on your original question which is a great one. Holding back the beast inside? Not deliberately, but yes I know it’s there waiting.
I guess that’s why so many suicides occur when people are drunk. As the old Lynard Skynard song Saturday Night Special goes…
“Hand guns are made for killin’
They ain’t no good for nothin’ else
And if you like to drink your whiskey
You might even shoot yourself”
On the other hand, if you really want to die but lack the courage, alcohol might help you get over that. I dunno man. The whole thing begs the question: is the beast the true you? Or is it what you would be if you had no self control? Probably a little of both.
I have a history of doing bizarre things when I’m drunk, some good, some bad. Sometimes I get really generous and start handing out cash to homeless people (yea real smart thing to do in the inner city lol). And then sometimes I do things that aren’t that nice.
I think your experience living with a drunk is pretty accurate. Alcohol rarely accomplishes anything good. I mean, it’s great when you’re in a good mood and relaxing with friends or whatnot. But I’m guessing most people on a site called The Suicide Project aren’t drinking to relax and have a good time haha.
Yeah I guess we are all here trying to figure things out. Some things just stay in the back of my mind and I find myself asking these things, but never wanting to find out.