Like most nights, I abruptly woke up a few hours after going to bed and failed to get back to sleep. While tossing and turning in bed, I thought of the perfect suicide method. I don’t want to reveal my idea while I’m alive, but you may read about it in the news or on social media after I have gone through with it. Don’t worry: Nobody will be dying or impacted except for me, but I reckon it would be a newsworthy death.
This method will also be more effective, painless, and unique than my previous method of blasting my head off with a shotgun. The only downside is that I’ll have to wait until later this year to do it. I am suffering immensely, more than ever before, but coming up with this idea has lifted my spirits more than my futile attempts to find any sort of happiness in this ruthlessly inhospitable world have.