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I am a damaged human being

by Black Holez

It seems ever since I lost my closest friends, it’s like something has been taken away from me that makes me like a functional human being. Compounded with this is the fact that I was bullied out of work and no justice was done that led to my depression. To my girlfriend of 14 years, I’m sorry that I’m unable to provide you what you want. I’m a failed human being whose emotions are being torn inside because of the loss of people that were important to him. This is why I think the monastery route is for me. At least I can be of service to God and live life of a celibate (though I’m no virgin) confined in the monastery instead of wasting away without any prospects or future.

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Soda 1/13/2019 - 1:03 am

I can’t trust my emotions when I’ve pulled an all nighter like I did today-but I can relate to the point that you’re making. For a long time I took things for granted, that my friends and family would always be there, I’d have my health and so on.

But bit by bit pieces of your world can sometimes fall apart. Today I take nothing for granted. I consider myself very fortunate to still have my core group of friends and family members in my life. My life would be poorer if I lost anyone.

So I do understand where you’re coming from. My personal belief is that if you talk with a good therapist, perhaps he/she can help you come to terms with your feelings regarding the loss of people close to you in your life. Maybe making new quality friends might fill that gap for you.

I’m not one to meddle in your life regarding your gf but it sounds like she has stayed with you through thick and thin but you seem to be leaving her for the monk life. Unless I misunderstood and you still plan to visit her after.

Of course we all need to do what makes us happy-perhaps having a woman/partner isn’t enough for you.

Black Holez 1/13/2019 - 2:29 am

Yes, she has stuck with me through all this time that’s why my heart is torn. Though I’m not in the monastery yet, the thought of leaving her might one day come back to haunt me that I regret my decision if I do indeed stay behind as a monk. I want to marry her, God knows but I don’t have the resources nor even the job to do that task. I’m a recluse at home who still lives with his parents. Day in and day out I suffer from anxiety even in my own home because I feel so restless being trapped in here doing nothing inside the house. She has made it perfectly clear that if I do indeed become a monk, she’s gonna leave me for good and there should be no turning back for me. The thought that she might get married to another person and find someone else also pains me but what can I do? I’m a broken and damaged person.

Soda 1/13/2019 - 1:36 pm

Honestly I believe a good therapist might help you deal with your anxiety disorder. Then when you’re feeling better then you’ll be able to find work.

As for marriage, just go to the court, you don’t need an elaborate ceremony, it can be done cheaply. She sounds like a great woman who’ll always be with you.

Here’s another idea, stop seeing your gf for at least a month or two. No calls, no texts, nothing. Then see if she forms a key part of your life. I think you will come to regret losing her.

If however, it makes no difference to you then maybe the monk life is the right choice for you. Still, if I was in your shoes I’d see a therapist first before making any big change in my life. All the best whatever you decide.

heartlessviking 1/13/2019 - 2:13 am

Isn’t that the point of seeking God, admitting that we are flawed and don’t have a clue what is going on. God is supposed to fill in some of the middle part, the part where we are screwed up. I’ve started to understand the method for filling in is putting me in situations where that information and skill is needed, because putting me in a place with the resources is enough and he knows it.

It reminds me of a hallucination I had while I was hospitalized. I was trying to work the window unit in my cell/room and I kept breaking it. The staff would come in, fix put the cover back in place and put me on the bed. The hallucination I had was after I asked one of them “Will you fix this thing?” Then I swear one of them said “You are perfectly capable of fixing that. You were fixing more complex things than this years ago.” Anyway, it was either a hallucination or a dream, I didn’t know that at the time but talking about that would have run counter to my desire to get out. This is the first time I’ve been able to talk about any of that…. it was a bad trip.

It’s like that. Maybe the resources are already there. Maybe he expects more than it seems like you can give. He’ll build you up until you can do it though. I’m not really clear on why, and I still think that my ideas for his actions make more sense than what he does. He’s really opaque on why he does what he does.

princessmousy<:3)~ 1/13/2019 - 6:12 am

Your plight has made me sad really… its a shame it can’t work out between you and your girlfriend. But in this situation it seems impractical but it isn’t going anywhere and inevitably she will end up more and more disappointed anyway. I guess that’s why I said ‘what is there to lose?’ Well 13 years of this and it hasn’t gone anywhere and doesn’t look to be going anywhere inthe future, yeah I think its time to be a monk .

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